Thank God it’s time for tights

Our guest columnist this week, Aisling, heroine of the novel ‘Oh What A Complete Aisling’, gives her views on hoisery and the high street in general

I’ve found the perfect pair of tights. And not a minute too soon. It’s been 80 denier weather for weeks now. I usually wait until the first of October to get the winter clothes and the hot water bottle down from the top of the wardrobe but I’ve had them out since the middle of September. Mammy’s geraniums will all be dead by Halloween with the frost — mark my words. The tights are from Marks and Sparks — 100 denier, if you can imagine the luxury. Fierce dear but worth it for the control panel alone and they’ll last the whole winter. The true test though is if they’ll last the power walk to work in from Drumcondra because nothing will ruin your day faster than a pair of fally-downy tights when you’re going ninety and getting in your steps.

I once had to stop dead on Griffith Avenue with a pair coming down like a roller blind under my skirt. I won’t name the shop, but I won’t be darkening their hosiery department again.

Anyway, the day of the fally-downy tights I had to ring Majella and get her to meet me with replacements. Isn’t that what best friends are for? I walked like I had an egg between my knees all the way to St Pat’s. I only had one hand free to try to keep them up because I’m giving Weight Watchers another go and had six rice cakes (3 points), tuna and sweetcorn (4 points) and a tablespoon of mayonnaise (3 points but worth it for the bit of flavour) in my battered but trusty Brown Thomas bag with my court shoes and there was no way the whole lot was going to fit into my Michael Kors.

I have a good feeling about these new tights anyway. I’m going to invest in three more pairs. Trying to keep expensive tights would nearly give you an ulcer. I laddered a good pair on purpose two years ago for a sexy-nurse costume for a 30th. I couldn’t enjoy the night looking at the tights, truth be told.

I really think these ones are worth it though. I’ve gone mad spending money on clothes. I got a new pair of navy bootcuts in Vero Moda in Kilkenny when I was down with John for a weekend away. He won it in a raffle in work and was allowed choose between a weekend in Langton’s or a year’s supply of mince. I would have been happy with either to be honest.

Navy bootcut is the most slimming when it comes to jeans. I read it years ago in a magazine and it’s never let me down. Majella’s been trying to get me to buy a pair of those Pocos by Pippa. The price of them! And I’d probably need to be winched out of them. They do look nice on Majella with a going-out top though. She can be very

Paisean Faisean when she wants to be. She shifted two guards last weekend and she claims it was down to the jeans. She also lost her wallet — second time in a month — but I don’t think she can blame being a bit of a hames on the Pocos.

I’ve never lost a wallet. I wouldn’t be able for the worry of scammers booking flights to Sydney on my Visa Debit before I had a chance to cancel it. I’ve heard the stories.

Sadhbh in the office was wearing yellow tights yesterday. Yellow! I ask you. I heard Donna quizzing her about them and she said Zara do a great ‘mustard tight’. I’ve heard it all now.

Between the mustard tights and her affection for those hoover-bag tops from Cos she looks like she belongs in that mad pottery class Mammy was swizzed into joining down home last summer. She thought she’d be doing a nice vase and next thing your one had them making mickeys out of clay.

Mammy hadn’t the bad manners to back out of it so she ended up having to paint it and all. Daddy thought it was so gas he has it in the garage beside the Swarfega. He brings it in sometimes to wind her up, tears rolling down his cheeks with the chuckles. He usually gets a laugh out of her, to be fair.

Anyway, I’m delighted it’s time for tights again. In the summer, the legs can look a bit like two gammon steaks rolled up so it’s nice to switch from sheer American Tan to the big guns. Bring on the winter! Ais is ready!