Tongue and throat

No, it isn’t a fetish site. You need to get your dirty mind seen to. And not by a naughty nurse. Tongue and throat exercises are the new way to tackle snoring. These have replaced the more traditional treatment of sending your husband to the spare room. The spare room is no longer a solution for older couples, because Ultan, their man-child of a son, is in there, and you wouldn’t believe his lack of earning power. The tongue and throat workouts are listed in a new book by Mike Dilkes, an ear, nose and throat specialist. He has been dubbed ‘the patron saint of snoring’, for reasons which aren’t immediately clear. One of the exercises recommended by Saint Mike is to stick out your tongue and hum the national anthem. This should be huge in Ireland, because no one knows the words. Another exercise is a form of gulping, which can be triggered by looking at the price of Mike’s short book, written with Alexander Adams, Stop Snoring the Easy Way(£12.99). Still, it beats the Stop Snoring the Difficult Way, which is to lose weight and cut down on the booze. So, ‘Sinne Fianna Fail/ata faoi gheall ag Eirinn, hum hum hummmm, hum-hum-hum, hum-hum, hummm hummm.’