October is gonna be one long quiet month

THERE are few things on this earth more tedious than someone recounting the ‘crazy’ dream they had last night, their conversion to CrossFit or, God help us all, yoga, but what I’m about to say probably comes close.

For the month of October, I’ve given up alcohol and cigarettes (the former for 31 days, the latter forever hopefully) and now I’m going to tell you all about it because Christ knows, none of my friends care.

I have survived 15 days and in that time I’ve noticed some things. I send a begging email asking my friends and family to sponsor my sobriety for a few pounds (it goes towards cancer research, not my fall from grace come November) and they seem more than willing to oblige, most of them fork out £25 just to stop me drunkdialling their asses at 3am for a few weeks.

My body is changing too. My appetite has quadrupled and I cannot go more than 15 minutes without thinking ‘TOFFEE CRISP!’. I must never be alone with Hobnobs. Coffee is my only other crutch, my single stimulant, and I’m drinking buckets of the stuff. One morning I get to work to find my preferred coffee machine out of order and so I start telling the guy beside me about the many failings of the second machine.

Lesson three: It’s possible I am more annoying sober than drunk. I keep busy at the weekends — cooking, running, seeing art, cleaning, watching movies and then I look at my watch. It’s noon. But the main thing I notice is how quiet everything is without booze. No blaring music, no phones ringing at 4am, no strangers’ voices, no shouting in ears at bars, it’s eerie. And the thought I can’t escape is that maybe I don’t love wine and beer and cider and cigarettes as much as I love the way they take up so much of my time, dull my thoughts and fill the silence.