Animal ambivalence and the new puppy

THERE are three types of animal people apparently — those who just love ’em, those who would exploit or be cruel to them and those who are ambivalent. As I have said before, I fall into the last category, and, as I have also said before, this has clearly warped my judgment.

Ergo, I have been talked into cohabiting with a more extensive assortment of non-human creatures than the average animal ambivalent.

The high point was clearly the goat, Delilah, who incidentally has gone completely feral on the farm to where she moved after I could no longer hack seeing her leap from sofa to island in a bid to eat the last remaining thing she could find. She is apparently convinced she is a sheep and is currently up the duff. See, it was a real farm, not a “farm”. After years of resisting pleas from the Girlchild for a puppy, something just collapsed within me and I said OK. No one was more surprised than me and although I took instant cover in denial, the Girlchild wasted no time and had a tiny Shih Tzu installed before I could say “but I’m not cleaning up any...”

He is cute, although Buddy the now elderly hound doesn’t see that at all. On the phone, a lady told me she had to put her dog out of the room lest he yap. Tell me about it, sez I, we just got a puppy.

“Oh my God? How old? What kind? What colour?” In the face of her enthusiasm and clear animal personishness, I felt such a fraud.

She was talking to me as if I were one of the Animal People gang. I didn’t know how, or dare, to set her straight. So I said, “Four months, Shih Tzu and beige.” All true, but I felt such a total imposter.