LIFE LESSONS

KATY HARRINGTON Plastic fantastic Trumptastic!

DING ding! It’s catfight time. In the red corner we have the Czechoslovakian Cruella da Bill Ivana Trump and in the blue corner is sexy, squinty Slovenian Melania (may I call you Melanoma?) who has had so much filler she is beginning to look like an actual cat. So what’s this all about then? Well, shrinking violet Ivana threw the first punch when she appeared on TV hinting (Ivana vas only joking dah-ling!) that maybe she was really the first lady of the USA which irked the real FLOTUS who takes her role of walking down the steps of private jets in very expensive stilettos very seriously. To put Ivana don’t-getmad-get-everything Trump (who happens to be promoting a memoir entitled Raising Trump, subtitle: The perils of holding in a fart) back in her place, Melania’s team issued a biting statement calling the human beehive an “ex”, and classifying her behaviour as “attention-seeking and self-serving noise”. This money grabbing is of course abhorrent to frugal lover of the simple life Melania who married a billionaire for love and plans only to use her title “to help children”. While Melania may become a tireless activist and crusader for the rights of those too weak and powerless to speak up for themselves (except for little Muslims, Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, or any mini immigrants who come to America for a better life like she did) it seems the only child she has done anything tangible for thus far is her own son Barron. And yet the weirdest thing about Melania vs Ivana round one is that both of them still wish to align themselves with that radioactive whoopie cushion of hate. I’m sure dealmaker Donald would like to see this undignified tiff settled ASAP. How about a televised mud wrestle followed by lesbian make-up kiss with commentary from Billy Bush? MAGA!