Dear L and M,

FOR many years I could not say your names without having to wash my hands to rid myself of memories and possibly guilt. At the age of 14 years you subjected me to some form of grooming when I had to watch you make love. I did not understand what was going on but somehow I was compelled to go to your house.

You lured me, L **** , when I innocently went to pick up the bike my parents had bought me. You said it needed some adjustment and I picked it up on my own when you took me to kiss you in the alleyway nearby. My first real kiss.

Many years on at the age of nearly 75 I still do not understand why I agreed to meet you on further occasions but I suppose I felt ‘grown up’ and liked the attention. Then you told me you were married and I visited your home and met your wife. I watched the pair of you making love and then you took me to bed.

Although nothing happened that I remember, you said it would when I was 16 years old. I stopped going to your house and then your wife rang on my birthday and I said I wasn’t coming any more.

At that point I took the gas poker and tried to kill myself. However I managed to stumble into the lounge at my home and my mother called the doctor. Nothing was said or done apart from a few days off school. However, years of anorexia followed and years of depression until at last someone understood. I had been hospitalised and put on heavy medication but then this enlightened health visitor who became my friend (now dead) had me admitted to another hospital. There I was taken off all drugs and at last someone talked to me about my experience.

From then on I blossomed and continued a worthwhile career as a general nurse and later a psychiatric nurse. After retirement I took on a teaching role at the hospital.

Although I am sad about the past, the experience has helped me in many ways. Especially my firm belief in God has kept me going despite a few more attempted suicides before being listened to.

It has been beneficial to write this and I trust that it will help others never to despair and not feel guilty after being abused. However, I forgive you for what you did. I don’t understand and I don’t know what has happened to either of you, or M **** . You were 35 to my 14 years.

With my forgiveness. Jill Sands, Iver, Bucks, England