When John met Kim Jong-un

Sunday Independent (Ireland) - - FRONT PAGE - BREN­DAN O’CON­NOR

SOME­WHERE in North Korea, a min­ion en­ters a room, bow­ing and scrap­ing. “Supreme Leader, Chair­man of the Work­ers Party of Korea, etc etc, there is some­one here to see you.”

Kim Jong-un (stand­ing by a dish­washer): “Who is it?”

Min­ion: “Hard to say, Supreme Leader. Could be Grou­cho Marx from Duck Soup new lat­est movie from im­pe­ri­al­ist dogs of great dic­ta­tor­ship of Amer­ica, just hit­ting cin­e­mas now. Though hav­ing looked at the cap­i­tal­ist plot that is the in­ter­net, this man also bears a re­sem­blance to Glo­ri­ous Supreme Leader of Lim­er­ick Wil­lie O’Dea. See? Here is pic­ture of him with a gun. Two other men are also with him though. So maybe it is the Marx Broth­ers. He says they wish to dis­cuss in­ter­na­tional re­la­tions. Should I do some­thing beastly to them?”

Kim Jong-un: “No, I will speak to these cap­i­tal­ist run­ning dogs. Just let me fin­ish this of­fi­cial pro­pa­ganda photo-shoot of me pack­ing a dish­washer to show I am like or­di­nary cit­i­zen. Ev­ery­one has to pack the dish­washer.”

Min­ion: “You mean load, Supreme Leader? I think any­one who has ever filled a dish­washer knows the word is load, not pack.”

As the photo-shoot fin­ishes, three men shuf­fle into the room. Shane Ross is wear­ing a sa­fari suit. Finian McGrath has an acous­tic gui­tar and they are led by John Hal­li­gan, who speaks up for the trio: “Supreme Leader, we come here to­day in friendship. I am John Hal­li­gan, Supreme Leader of Water­ford and Min­is­ter of State for Train­ing and Skills. I prob­a­bly shouldn’t ask you this but are you a mar­ried man?”

Kim Jong-un: “Ac­cord­ing to Korean State Me­dia I am mar­ried to Ri Sol-ju. But I also like to drink and party all night and I have re­port­edly re­cruited young fe­male com­pan­ions to form a plea­sure troupe to en­ter­tain me. I am also busy de­vel­op­ing hy­dro­gen bombs and ICBMs.”

Hal­li­gan: “And how many mis­siles do you have?”

Kim Jong-un: “I have many mis­siles.”

Hal­li­gan: “You must be very busy. Now that I have put you at your ease with some fam­ily-friendly talk…”

Kim Jong-un: “Fam­ily friendly? Fam­ily not friendly! That’s why I have to keep killing them!”

Hal­li­gan: “Well any­way. We came here to bro­ker peace. You re­call glo­ri­ous cul­tural re­la­tions of the past be­tween Work­ers Par­ties of Ire­land and Korea through Comhal­tas Ce­oltoiri. So to­day my friend Finian here is go­ing to sing a song to ce­ment in­ter­na­tional re­la­tions.”

Kim Jong-un: “Ex­cel­lent. You know any­thing by cap­i­tal­ist pig Justin Bieber? Looks just like me. I’m a Belieber!”

And so they all sang long into the night and it seemed peace was bro­kered. Un­til dawn, when they dis­ap­peared.

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