Sole brother
Whether it’s your fractured soul or a startled Dover sole that needs retrieving this month, Maurice Gueret has some new therapies in mind
Magill Rescue
One unsung advance in medicine during my time, has been the transformation of what we once called ‘ambulance men’ into highly trained paramedics. There was a time when they deferred to doctors when attending an emergency. Now, very often, the doctor will defer to their expertise and skill. You may have read about an extraordinary resuscitation that took place on a seaside pier in Dorset a few weeks ago. A young man fooling around with mates attempted to kiss a Dover sole. The six-inch fish didn’t like the look of him and jumped straight down his windpipe. The young romantic turned a nasty shade of blue very quickly and went into cardiac arrest. He wouldn’t have survived a journey to hospital, so the local paramedics began heart and lung resuscitation, and, after six attempts, managed to hook the fish and pull it back up the trachea. They used a long forceps known in the business for the last hundred years as a Magill. I’m uncertain what happened the Dover sole. Perhaps some local chef at Boscombe harbour cooked a well-deserved dinner for the paramedics.
Sacred Stones
Alternative medicine is always throwing up new types of healers. I came across a leaflet in a takeaway the other day advertising Solar Sound Healing. Apparently the healer is specially trained to feel the truth of your soul’s essence. They then transmit this knowledge by voicing it back to you, and moving a powerful healing energy to the heart of your soul. They can analyse and repattern your chakras, clear traumatic or stagnant energies, and pulse extra power to depleted parts of the body. They also offer to cleanse your aura and bring in healing light. Another service on offer is Earth Medicine Healing, which uses a sacred stone to remove traumatic memories. But my favourite of all their therapies is the Soul Retrieval Service. The sound healer offers to track down a lost, fractured or traumatised piece of the human soul and “helps it move from its stuckness”. Not sure if it’s covered by the VHI, but politicians should be queueing right down the street.
Dear Miss
Medical spellings are never easy. A retired headmistress writes to tell me of a parent’s note she once received to explain why a child was not at school. “Dear Miss, Jimmy was not at school yesterday because he had dirrh... diarre... dirrha... the shits!”
Bricks and Mortar
A shudder has gone down the pharmacy spine with news this winter of the impending closure or sale of up to 190 chemist shops in the UK. They are all part of the huge LloydsPharmacy group, the second-biggest chain in Britain. There is no mention of any closures in the Irish Republic, where private prescription income is higher than across the Irish Sea, and acts as a buttress to falling State revenues. But what was interesting was the statement from the chemist chain about transforming their business to combine physical pharmacies with the “customer convenience of digital channels”. Bricks and mortar may be part of pharmacy for some time to come, but digital prescriptions and medicine delivery by courier are only around the corner.
Cash Scan
With Christmas less than a month away, hospitals will be busy organising the clinical mistletoe and mulling the red wine. It’s party season in the health service, and there will be a lot of lukewarm turkey dinners consumed on overpriced festive nights. Less cheery this year will be the maternity ultrasound party at a well-known hospital in London. The police were called in during recent months to examine a cash mound of £20,000 found in the filing cabinet of the department that does baby scans. Safe to stay that all the staff were mortified when a light was shone on the underbelly of their operation. The hospital team would charge expectant mums and dads £3 a picture (they could order up to six) for prints of their unborn baby’s ultrasound scans. The staff had a private bank account, and the money was used for parties, staff farewells, special occasions, and the odd conference attendance. No fraud was uncovered, just what the hospital management described as “money-handling systems that fell short”. Like Father
Ted, the cash was merely resting in the account, or cabinet.