No festive fuss, bring on the family and fights

‘ARE you ready for Christmas?’ the girl washing my hair asks me. The answer is no. And it’ll be the same answer on December 24, because basically being ‘ready for Christmas’ means stress and shopping and other things that suck. If you want to spend the next two weeks buying stocking fillers and presents for each of your 21 cousins, and wear glitter and velvet every day, knock yourself out, but my appropriation of Christmas is nothing to do with either glamour or gifts. It involves friends and family, lots of time with them and as many fights over Scrabble and Pictionary as you can fit in. Walks are essential, not just because you’ve eaten a jar of cranberry sauce a day but because they make you 99.9pc less likely to murder your parents in a fight over Scrabble or Pictionary. Delicious food, of course, but minus the turkey for me, because I don’t believe in eating the poor dry bastards. And other than that, I think Christmas should be about doing nothing but hanging out at home and annoying your mother in the kitchen. January is coming and you are going to need all your strength. I know what you are thinking, I haven’t mentioned presents. That’s because you’re not getting any. I might take a few people for dinner, I’ll definitely buy a lot of people drinks and I may even get some of my friends something small in the sales but other than that, nothing. And I don’t want anything either. If anyone has a problem with that they can write to Santa about it. The Americans use Thanksgiving to get together and eat with family, and express gratitude for what they have. Maybe we could stop filling our trolleys in M&S for a sec and do that. So this Christmas I’ll be giving thanks for the roast potatoes in my belly, the dog on my bed and the family watching TV too loud in my house.