Aisling’s Christmas Day Survival Guide
The eponymous heroine of Oh My God, What a Complete Aisling, was the breakout literary star of the year. Here is her essential guide to getting through the big day
IT’S important to go into Christmas without the expectations being too high, that way you won’t be disappointed. It’s taken me a good few years to realise this but the penny definitely dropped in 1999 when I asked Santy for a Furby after seeing it on the Toy Show and got a Foobie instead. It was close, but no cigar — one of the eyes fell out before the turkey had even gone into the oven. I was 10 and distraught, and I suppose I should have learned my lesson from the great Cauliflower Kid debacle of 1995. But I’ve copped on now and it’s all water under the bridge as far as I’m concerned. Isn’t it nice to get anything and God knows you can never have enough slipper sox or Cecelia Ahern books (I put slipper sox on my list every year, sure isn’t Mammy going to buy them anyway?). I love Christmas and have even come to terms with the Spar in Knocknamanagh opening for a few hours on Christmas morning so people can panic-buy batteries and Romanticas, but on the big day itself, there are a few hard and fast rules to keep in mind… 1 Put your beliefs aside: It’s fair to say that I’m as anti “notions” as they come. But even I can’t resist a bag of Prosecco-flavoured crisps or a brie and cranberry tartlet at Christmas. It’s the only time of year you’ll catch me with a basket in Marks & Spencer’s. I can’t walk away from the threefor-two honey mustard pigs in blankets and mini quiches. And anyway, we have Protestant neighbours and you wouldn’t get away with giving Una Hatton a triangle sandwich to go with her Baileys on ice. We forgot to buy the Baileys two years ago and had none when the Hattons came calling for their traditional mid-morning festive drink. It was all down to an incident in the drinks aisle during the Christmas Big Shop. Mammy had become distracted by an unbelievable deal on trifle sponges... She’s never quite gotten over it and now has at least three bottles in the shed for emergencies. Fail to prepare and all that. 2 Avoid Mass if at all possible: We all know Christmas Day Mass is second to none for scoping out the new coats and handbags. The style is unreal in Ballygobbard with everyone done up to the nines, but the parking situation would put years on you. I recommend the so-called Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve instead — three-quarters shorter and all done and dusted by nine. Jesus himself wouldn’t begrudge you getting out in time to get a seat in the pub. 3 Don’t wake up with a hangover: See above. Of course, I do my best to alternate my West Coast Coolers with water but I’m only human. Last year things got out of control (I blame my best friend Majella, who’s a bit of a hames) and, long story short, I fell in the door after 2am and horsed into the freshlybaked ham. Mammy couldn’t look me in the eye at dinner. So, by all means go for a festive sociable, but know the one that’s one too many. 4 Pace yourself: I’ll hold Majella up as an example again. Last year she was so liberal with the Buck’s Fizz and Prosecco that she was found fast asleep behind the couch by midday with her new dressing gown on over her good Christmas clothes (beautiful crushed velvet dress from Vera Moda. She got great wear out of it). She later claimed that she was hiding behind the couch so she wouldn’t have to open the door to Maggotty Doyle from up the road, which you wouldn’t blame her for, really, but the 12 glasses of fizz with breakfast were her real downfall. Pace yourself so you’re just ready for a snooze in front of the Big Big Movie and wake up again in time for the traditional row over charades (or “Play The Game” as Daddy still insists on calling it). 5 Be present and correct: My brother Paul is beyond in Sydney (isn’t everybody’s?) so I’ve had to buy presents from him to Mammy and Daddy, as well as my own for them. And of course Daddy had no idea what to get Mammy so I bought that too (a Clinique set with a free gift in Brown Thomas so now I have a new bag to carry my lunch to work in). Buying most of the presents takes a bit of the magic out of Christmas morning but sure at least we all have something to open and everyone is happy — especially if they like slippers. 6 Compliment the dinner: Even if you think Daddy went a bit far with his overzealous sprout crosses, or Mammy accidentally pouring the turkey juice down the drain means the gravy really isn’t quite up to scratch, you have to agree this year’s feast is the “best one yet”. I sometimes like to get in early with a “this is the best one yet” before anyone’s even cracked into their first roastie. I also appreciate any and all compliments on my table-setting skills. My traditional serviette-ina-glass flourish really pulls the whole thing together. 7 Keep an eye on the Bloody Cat: We won’t go into too much detail about 2016’s leftover turkey incident but let’s just say this year, Daddy has been warned not to go soft after three brandies and let the cat into the kitchen “because it’s Christmas”. I’ll never forget the blood-curdling shriek. We had to have emergency replacement Chicken Kievs on St Stephen’s Day and nobody was saying anything about it being the “best dinner yet”. We’ll look back and laugh about it, I’m sure. Isn’t that what Christmas is all about? Maybe not this year, though. It’s a bit soon.