It’s time to speak out against my husband’s awful silent treatment

QI hope that I can convey my sadness and anger at the emotional destruction my husband has caused to me and my now adult children. My husband and I are in our early sixties and have farmed together for all of our married life.

There were a lot of very good happy fun times but it is getting more difficult to remember them because they have been eroded over the years by my husband’s tendency to give one or all of us his silent treatment over some perceived failure to do what was asked, or because he was stood up to in an argument or somebody ate or used something that he saw as his.

Right now he is not talking to me because I asked him to stop interrupting me while I am speaking. When he believes that he has been wronged he will threaten to sell his half of the farm and leave us to it and be verbally abusive and then sulk and not talk.

I bore the brunt of this ‘punishment’ for years and I still remember my shock the first time he did not speak to me for three days.

We had a row over whether we would go to an event or not and angry words were exchanged. I was feeling very distressed and rejected, and because we work together it created difficulties beyond personal.

I apologised for my angry words. He didn’t think he had anything to apologise for and we made up. I did not realise that this was the beginning of a pattern that got more frequent over the years.

The next time it happened it was the busiest time of the farming year and he got very angry because I ate a bun that he believed was his.

He sat in an armchair for three days while I nearly killed myself trying to keep animals fed and cows calved. If I didn’t do this the animals would have been neglected and we would have suffered financial losses we could not afford.

Our children were very small at that time and he rejected any overtures from them for those three days.

Again I kept talking until one day he replied. As our children got older he treated them to this silence until somebody gave in or apologised for the sake of the family.

He blames me for financial losses we suffered through investments that he wanted because there were “millions” to be made and when that went wrong he did not speak to me and some of our children for months. He moved out of our bedroom and that is the way it has stayed.

I talked many times to my husband about his behaviour and I explained to him that each time he treated me or any of our children in this way it left a scar and that if he continued then some day the damage would be beyond healing. That is where we are now, beyond healing.

Right now he is speaking to only one son but I believe this is because this son is farming with us and he will talk to him until this son ‘fails’ to make a fortune that my husband can boast about and then he will blame our son and punish him with silence and sulks.

My husband is not a hard worker and is not very good at budgeting money but luckily I am good at those things.

He can be very good company and he gets on with everybody outside the extended family. He loves his grandchildren and tells them that he loves them but he does not see that they will not be children forever.

The rest of us attended a graduation last week but he didn’t because he is not talking to most of us, including his daughters-in-law.

I have asked my husband over the years to come to counselling with me or go himself but he refuses.

I don’t know what causes his behaviour and right now I don’t care. I have decided that I am not leaving my home because so many of our children and grandchildren live nearby and I love when they drop in for a chat and a cuppa or when we go for a meal or play cards. I also love working with our son on the farm. The farm income is not enough to enable us to set up two homes.

What do you think I should do?

AYOU have already decided what to do — you are going to stay in the marriage. I’ve shortened your very long mail considerably but I think people can get a sense of what is going on in your family.

Your husband over the years has used bullying tactics, in this case ‘the silence’ to get his own way with you all, at least while the children were growing up.

They are now beyond being bullied but you are still in the family home so you will have to change your tactics and take on the bully.

Tell him in advance that the next time he gives you the silent treatment or raises his voice that you will immediately stop doing anything for him, such as cooking or shopping.

Inform him that he can go if he wishes but that you are staying in your home.

Don’t make it easy for him by initiating conversations until he joins in and don’t apologise.

Let him see that you are an independent woman and are not afraid of him.

Your “beyond healing” phrase will remain in my memory for a long time, it is so utterly sad.