GUIDE TO A STRESS-FREE CHRISTMAS
Dr Ciara Kelly’s
LET me start up front by saying — I love Christmas! I’m the person who doesn’t mind them playing Fairytale of New York two weeks before Halloween and who doesn’t object to selection boxes in the shops in September. I actually kind of like the fact that it starts earlier every year! And I still believe there’s some bit of magic about the most wonderful time of the year.
Yes, the fire is lit, and all the Christmas movies on the telly make me happier than the sunniest day in the summer. But having said all that, it’s a hell of a lot of work — particularly if you have kids and in most households particularly if you are a woman — and for many people around the country it can also highlight the fact that they aren’t having a wonderful life. There’s nothing that makes you feel lonelier or more isolated than being told by absolutely EVERYTHING you see and hear that ‘Tis the season to be jolly and be with all your amazing loved ones and picture-perfect family, when you don’t have one or are not in a position for that to happen.
Yes for many people, particularly those who are separated, bereaved, broke, alone, depressed or worse — homeless — seeing the idealised version of Christmas everywhere around them is hard to take. It’s never easy thinking you’re the only one who doesn’t have a great life — even though most people’s lives are a struggle at least some of the time, and bear no resemblance to the argyle-sweater wearing schmaltzy Yuletide images of families we see at this time of the year.
One of the big downsides that Christmas does unfortunately bring with it is stress. And for anyone involved in the organising of a family Christmas, stress can be huge. There is a huge amount to do. The food, the drink, the tree, the decorations, the presents, the rows…the other rows, the money! In surveys it repeatedly shows that most people don’t budget or factor in the expense of Christmas annually, so most people just lash it on the credit card or spend what they don’t have to spend on presents, clothes, food and drink and that creates its own set of worries and pressure on top of everything else. So what can you do to make this the season to be full of peace and joy rather than stress and hassle?
DON’T SPEND WHAT YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY AFFORD...
One of the biggest stresses people have is around money. We are bigger spenders than most of our European counterparts — I think in part due to the natural generosity of the Irish with on average around €600 per person being spent. If you are in a family of five — that’s a collective €3,000 being spent on an Xmas blow out and that may well be enough to put you in financial hock for the rest of the year. It’s one of the reasons why quite a lot of people actually don’t like Christmas at all. But there must be a middle ground between spending yourself into financial ruin or wishing Yuletide didn’t exist. So the first thing you should do is actually budget.
Truth is, you can produce pretty much the exact same amount of festive cheer on a far smaller budget than most people do.
Plan how much food and drink you actually need and only buy that. We throw out around a quarter of what we’ll buy foodwise each Christmas — so we’re massively overbuying. And the truth is that half of what we don’t throw out we probably didn’t need either. Remember, we don’t actually feel better afterwards for having eaten rings round ourselves — we may think it adds to a good time but it doesn’t really.
And if we spend too much on food…we go completely nuts on drink. Half the inevitable family rows over Christmas are often a direct result of people being drunk. We start drinking early — often mid-morning — on Christmas day and often keep it up until bedtime. It’s a recipe for disaster if things aren’t great at home. So rows, accidents and even violence can erupt as a result. But even if none of that happens, there is often a low-grade stress associated with the tensions of all being cooped up together.
It’s also a very hard time for those who don’t drink for one reason or another, because so much of our Xmas socialising revolves around it. Anything over three drinks rarely adds to your enjoyment — it often takes from it. And if you’re alone this Christmas — drinking, which is a depressant, can make you feel very, very alone.
DON’T BELIEVE FOR A MINUTE THAT THE BEST PRESSIE IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE ONE...
My favourite Santa present ever was one of those pens that had loads of different colours in it. I remember happily colouring with it for hours in my colouring book and blithely ignoring the purple Raleigh Eighteen I’d say my parents could ill afford. Throwing money at Christmas doesn’t make it better or more enjoyable — it just means you’re not organised or you aren’t thinking enough about it. Don’t believe the advertisers who tell you your kids need huge amounts of expensive stuff — that’s not how it works! The excitement of Santa coming down the chimney means, whatever he brings, is actually amazing when you think about it.
If Christmas stresses you out financially every year — learn from that and put money aside beforehand in the run up to it, so that sense of panic can be avoided. And if you didn’t do that this year — then make that your New Year’s resolution for next year. But the real top tip is you don’t have to spend money you don’t have on what is basically a nice big dinner and a few presents. And don’t be suckered into believing you do.
MANAGING FAMILY STRESSES
Part of the Christmas vibe is about getting together with family. But when your relationship with those nearest and dearest to you isn’t ideal then Christmas can be very … or even very, very hard. Emotions, and indeed tensions, are amplified at Christmas as we are all thrown together for prolonged periods of time, plus the whole world is conspiring to tell you that it should be wonderful and maybe it just isn’t. Throw a shedload of booze in on top of that and it can be a recipe for massive stress.
First up don’t get cabin fever! Being stuck in a house with way more people than you’re used to can make people very tetchy and irritable. Get out of the house. Slip the familial leash and go for a walk. It’ll clear your head. Allow yourself to calm down when your Uncle Johnny tells you what you should be doing with your life for the eighth year in a row. It may even give you a hit of endorphins strong enough to help you cope with your mother-in-law telling you her son married beneath himself.
Probably the best advice, though, is to bite your tongue and leave the room rather than decide you’re going to tell X what you actually think of them. Particularly, as what you actually think of them may be different when you haven’t been cooped up with them for days on end. And when they are happily ensconced in their
own house at the end of the phone rather than the end of the couch — you actually quite like them.
TIME MANAGEMENT
One of the biggest stresses is about getting everything done. In many households around the country someone — often the Mammy — takes on the whole production of Christmas and that is definitely very stressful. I’ve often thought it’s like I present Christmas to my own family like “Tah-dah!” And they don’t have any idea what actually goes into it — and there’s a lot to be done. If you’re someone who’s taking on the whole traditional Christmas organisation — food, house, presents, cooking and all that jazz — the main thing is preparation, so you don’t get overwhelmed. Start by writing lists — they make the planning much easier. Do as much as you can in advance so write lists for what you can do earlier. But with just over a week to go — now is a good idea to have lists of what you need to get done every day. If you’ve nothing at all done yet... Stick up the decorations and the tree today — so you at least get a week to enjoy them and have the place looking Christmassy. Order your turkey. And if you’re under major time pressure, order your groceries online — you may even save money that way as you won’t throw everything you see into your trolley in desperation. Sort the presents over the next few days, get kids to write lists and write lists yourself. Make sure if you’re buying online that it’ll be here on time! Don’t worry unduly about having the place spotless — it’ll all be trashed the minute a few presents are unwrapped anyway. Do as much food prep as you can in advance by way of chopping and what have you. Delegate the hell out of it too. Get kids, partners and visitors to set tables, bring food, serve food, wash up and pour drinks. Nobody can do it all alone.
THE STRESS OF EXPECTATIONS
One of the biggest stresses around Christmas is the expectation that it will somehow be picture perfect in that way the telly tells you it should be. And so there is inevitable disappointment when you realise that this year your family are more like the crowd off EastEnders than The Cosby Show — although do bear in mind The Cosby Show was all a big lie anyway. But it’s good to remember that perfectionism isn’t the goal, in fact it’s the enemy — as it stresses you out and leaves you feeling inadequate as you will always fall short. Christmas should be about catching up with people you care about. Presents are gestures of affection and thoughtfulness that no one wants you to stress yourself out over. And a tree and a few decorations, however bockety, is a bonus.
The more relaxing Christmas is, the better. I know my favourite Xmas days are always the ones where you do nothing except eat leftovers, find an unopened selection box and watch the Back to the Future trilogy in your PJs.
So the best advice is... less is more really! Spend less — you can’t afford it and there’s too much waste anyway. Drink less — drinking above a certain amount makes Christmas worse not better. Eat less — see drinking above. Fight less — it’s never worth it. Bite your tongue and go for a walk!
Try not to sweat the small stuff — that’s never worth it either. Manage your own and other people’s expectations. The turkey is basically just a giant chicken you stick in the oven.
Prepare more... Lists ... And lists of lists... Do whatever you can in advance: Delegate, prioritise... don’t, like my other half, decide to paint the kitchen on Christmas Eve or don’t decide you are going to make your own muslin tea bags for mulled wine with two days to go when you can buy them in Lidl for €1.
Lastly, remember why Christmas is special in the first place. It’s about family, whatever shape or size, and it’s about being kind to yourself as well as others. Loneliness is a killer at Christmas so if you are lonely or if you know someone who is — reach out to them. And have yourselves a merry little Christmas.