Like a good girl guide I’ll be prepared

IHAD a New Year Resolution to look after my hidden appearance with more gusto. Things that can’t be seen in winter. Like leg waxing, underarm waxing, toenails painted. Stuff like that. I was even going to start moisturising after my shower. But as is my luck, shit happened before I got a chance to implement my new regime.

I woke up with a seriously high temperature and pains and aches everywhere and was whisked into hospital without a chance to do any ablutions at all. Now I don’t wear pyjamas or a dressing gown, so I managed to grab a long T-shirt and a white towelling thing before I went in.

Bear in mind that I was sick and wasn’t thinking straight. It turned out that the white towelling thing had a hood and didn’t close properly. I ended up looking like a cross between Conor McGregor and the abominable snowman. With hairy legs sticking out.

The kids grabbed whatever old pyjamas they could find at home. Not good — old and ill-fitting. I ended up in hospital for 11 days and I spent the entire time apologising to the staff for my hairy legs, hairy underarms, unsuitable pyjamas, brillo pad hair and found myself lying through my teeth. Like telling them I had an appointment that week for my legs.

So, as I get older, my plan is to have a bag packed at all times with two very fetching pairs of pyjamas and a beguiling housecoat/dressing gown that actually fits me.

And just in case I’m knocked down and deprived of the chance to pick up the bag, I’ll make sure I have decent underwear on at all times. The legs and underarms will be like a baby’s bottom and the toenails will be painted a vampish shade of red.