I’m running for President

OBVIOUSLY many of you have been suspicious about my intentions since I stopped doing my Saturday night chat show a few years ago. Since then it has been difficult for me to appear in public at all without the media pestering me, always with the same question: “Did you give up your Saturday night chat show because you are running for the Presidency?”

Up to now I have stuck with the same answer: “We have a great President. I didn’t leave my Saturday night chat show to run for President. I was in fact fired.”

But the field is getting crowded and I feel the time has come for me to be honest: I have decided to throw my hat in the ring. Today marks the official launch of ‘Brendan O’Connor for President’. In fact, it’s the official launch of the AAABrendan AAAO’Connor for President campaign. I have changed my name by deed poll, because I reckon it could be a fairly long ballot paper, and also because I’m not sure if they will go alphabetically by our first names or our surnames, so I’m covering all bases.

I also did it because I heard Gerard Craughwell has quietly changed his name to Aardvark Craughwell and apparently Bertie Ahern is now going by the official moniker Abertie Ahern. And Emily O’Reilly has charged her name to Aargh Emily O’Reilly.

Looking at the field so far, I don’t think there will be any huge competition. Now that Miriam has ruled herself out, I think I can take most of them. In fact, I had been thinking that if Miriam ran I might wait until the next time, because we don’t want to split the broadcaster vote, and also I genuinely think Miriam would have been a great president.

My worry is the ones who have yet to declare an interest. I have it on good authority that Conor McGregor is thinking of running. His policies will apparently include a fur Gucci cladding on the Aras and the erection of a Louis Vuitton octagon in the Phoenix Park. I feel I can take McGregor though on the fact that bus tours would obviously be afraid to go through the Phoenix Park if he was living there.

And then, of course, there is the likelihood that Michaeldy Higgins will run again. If he’s not going to run, how come I heard that he changed his name by deed poll recently to ‘Aaaaaarts lover Michaeldy Higgins’? When I asked the President’s spokesperson why he did this, he told me: “Because he’s a lover of the Aaaaaarts, daaaaahling.”

Since my announcement, earlier in this piece, many of you have been asking me what my policies are. Being above politics, I won’t have policies as a President. I will just make one simple promise. No speeches. I’ll meet the odd visiting head of State, and apart from that, I promise you won’t know I’m there.