An expert’s guide to missing a flight

WITH today’s technology — Google Maps to plot the best journey to the airport, live flight arrival times and boarding passes direct to your smartphone — one may think it is harder than ever before to miss a flight. But it is still possible. On the Thursday before Easter. I got to the airport, sweating slightly having left work late, stressed, with a bag packed full of strange outfits, only to discover the flight is delayed by about 40 minutes.

I use this extra time to drink a pint and buy a clean pair of Converse and then head to the gate. Exhausted and exasperated passengers form long lines in the crowded hall, occasionally sighing as their flights to Glasgow, Manchester and Cork are further delayed.

Despite this, I’m in a good mood. I find a spot in a corner and put my music on loud, keeping an eye on the board. After about an hour, I decide to see if I can find anything out and push through the lines to my gate, which is decidedly closed.

A man with a head like a beetroot and eyes like saucers is arguing with the Ryanair representative. I stand there in shock. The queue I was keeping an eye on blocked my view of the queue for the Cork flight, all of whom are now on the plane and ready to go.

I’ve literally managed to miss my flight by minutes, despite being on time, at the right gate and 20ft from the queue. If there’s one thing I know, arguing with a woman with a face like a wasp will not make this situation better — so I channel my friend Sarah’s motto in times of turmoil, and throw money at the problem. I book an expensive flight to Dublin the next day and head home. At least I get to repack and wash my hair.