I’ve stashed enough to survive a nuclear war

SINCE I gave up the fags, which is now two months ago, I can safely say I have only stopped eating while I’m asleep. And I’m sleeping less as I get older.

I decided this morning that I was going to buy only healthy stuff and I found myself wandering aimlessly in my local supermarket past the first section, which is the veg and fruit, and straight on to the cake stand. A cream doughnut beckoned me over and screamed at me.

No piece of broccoli has ever spoken to me like that, even though I did go back and get some in a feeble attempt to change. I’m sure it will turn yellow before my very eyes in the fancy wooden vegetable box that sits redundantly on my kitchen table. On the other hand the cream doughnut lasted all of a minute.

Now, unfortunately, I have enough confectionery stashed all over the house to feed a whole school at Halloween. They were originally being hidden from adult children but now there’s only one at home and he’s moving on soon so there really is no need for so much subterfuge any more but old habits die hard.

I was out the other day when my other son came to mine to watch a match and was sitting in my favourite chair when he went to plug in his phone and found my stash for the TV down the side of the chair.

Three huge bars of chocolate (on special offer in an airport), a huge bag of Hunky Dorys and two big bottles of Club Orange. He was so fascinated at the magnitude of the stash that he took a photo and sent it to me with a smart-assed comment.

And that was only one stash. They are all over the house. I’ll have to work my way through all the stashes and stay in the fruit and veg section of the supermarket.