Amuse bouche... YouTube Mom

‘Look,” said Georgia, holding the iPad aloft, “this mom on YouTube makes unicorn mug cakes for her kids. They’re lilac flavoured and filled with glitter. Can we make them? Pleeeeeease.” “No,” Fiona answered. “You always say no,” Georgia whined. “Why not? They only took three minutes. Look.”

“That’s just impossible,” said Fiona. “And there’s no such flavour as lilac.”

Georgia squeezed in beside Fiona on the sofa and put the iPad in front of them both, forcing Fiona to put down her phone.

Fiona felt a pang of guilt. It wouldn’t kill her to give the child a few minutes to watch this rubbish with her. Then came the second pang. Georgia was watching far too much of this rubbish lately.

Only the other day, Georgia had asked Fiona why she didn’t have a cool job like Hayley’s mom. Fiona racked her brain for a Hayley in Georgia’s class, or in ballet, or gymnastics, but she couldn’t think of one. “Who’s Hayley?” “She’s, like, this girl whose really cool mom does this, like, amazing baking with her,” Georgia said, with that annoying upward inflection in her voice that had gone beyond a joke. Come back Dort accent, all is forgiven, Fiona thought.

“She has her own channel,” Georgia said, and the penny dropped.

Sitting on the sofa, Georgia asked Fiona did she want to watch Hayley’s mom. “Why not?” Fiona replied. “Her shorts are nice, aren’t they?” said Georgia. “She’s such a young mom, isn’t she?”

Hayley’s mom was far too thin to be eating all the crap she made for Hayley, but she certainly knew how to bake, Fiona had to concede.

Still, she pointed out to Georgia, the actual baking bits were replayed at triple-speed, so it all looked much easier and faster to achieve.

Georgia did not seem to care that what was being presented was far from reality. She flicked around between all the different online episodes, scaring Fiona with her long list of “like, complete” favourites.

Invariably, most of the favourites were unicorn-based confectionery, all pastel pink and yellow and blue and lilac. Hayley’s mom loved lilac.

“Does it all taste of unicorn?” Fiona asked. “Is it similar to horsemeat?”

“Mommmmmmm, that’s gross!” Georgia exclaimed, shifting off the sofa and away from Fiona, and leaving the room with the iPad and her onscreen spirit family.

Fiona tried not to feel relieved, as she returned to online shopping for high-waisted jeans.