Friendiquette

The 21st-Century habit of signing off emails and messages with “we must go for that coffee...” says Sophie White, is thoroughly perplexing

The “We must go for that coffee” phrase is presumably familiar to most people. The coffee wasn’t always “that coffee”. “That coffee” usually starts life as “a coffee” which is somehow more promising. “We must go for a coffee,” squealed the initial ebullient exchange, heralding a long, very modern dance of promising to see one another.

Reaching maturity in this age of instant communication is disorientating for anyone born into the analogue world. Time was, you didn’t make plans you didn’t intend to keep because you quite simply couldn’t cancel — the technology wasn’t there yet. Now, however, a modern definition of friendship could well be two people who like each other resolving to spend the rest of their lives cancelling plans via last-minute texts.

I often imagine my generation’s funerals in a few decades’ time. The eulogy might begin: “I haven’t seen Mairead IRL for many years, but god, that Juno filter’s been kind to her.” The assembled mourners might speak of when they last saw Mairead in the flesh, and conclude that it was some time around 2006.

Even more tricky nowadays is attempting to make a new friend, as the playing field has altered dramatically. I connect with people on Instagram, we chat via direct message, and I know I want to take the next step, to take the friendship offline.

However, often I detect a little reticence at these overtures, which brings me back to “that coffee”.

“That coffee” has been rallying back and forth between myself and a serial DM-er — person who chats via DMs but seems immune to my advances to actually lock in “that coffee”. Said advances started breezy, “I’m looking pretty free Tuesday if you wanna grab that coffee”, but have now escalated to, “I’m in your area (read: right outside your house) if you fancy finally getting that coffee”.

A period of silence ensued, and then a flurry of contact over a work thing saw her offer up another, “We must go for that coffee”. “Must we?” I wanted to reply.

That ‘must’ is a pesky little one, now that I really think about it. ‘Must’ is not representative of desire, is it? It suggests obligation, really. I am starting to get the idea that she doesn’t actually want to have coffee with me; that perhaps “that coffee” is actually a conversational crutch intended as an illusion of friendship and nothing more. Now that I’ve successfully depressed myself — and perhaps you, too — I will be eating some feelings and yes, finally getting “that coffee”.

“Time was you didn’t make plans you didn’t intend to keep because you quite simply couldn’t cancel”