Fat chance of getting royal wedding invite

AS I sat and watched the royal wedding I noticed at a very early stage that there wasn’t one fat person in attendance.

My eyes searched the crowds in vain. As my thighs spread nicely over the couch and I gorged on toast and mounds of butter and marmalade, I bemoaned my continuing weight gain since I gave up the fags. It’s been four months now and the scales are creeping in the wrong direction. At a seriously rapid pace. And I make excuses for myself because I feel like a paragon of virtue since I kicked the habit. And of course people are saying things like “don’t worry about the weight, just make sure you stay off them”. And that’s all I need. Just a tiny word of encouragement to stuff my face.

I’ve smoked since I was 14 and the only other time I gave them up was some time in my 40s when I stuck it for four years —and put on the same in stones. Some of which I’ve never really lost. I keep telling myself that I need the discipline of going back to ‘fatty class’ and need someone to actually speak my weight out loud on a weekly basis in order for me to cop on. And then something comes up like a weekend away or a dinner party and I defer my start date for the umpteenth time.

I think it would take something as unlikely as an invite to a royal wedding to motivate me now.

Are there any fat royals in the world, or do they not have the same easy access to the fridge or the biscuit press? Does one’s food have to be brought to one? Did they all go on massive diets before the wedding? Does one go so far as to wire one’s jaws?

The only one who looked anywhere near my size was Zara Philips and she’s heavily pregnant.