ELEANOR GOGGIN

I’ll tackle my problem areas one at a time

I’VE decided I’m going to address the various parts of my body one by one. Trying to do everything together hasn’t worked. In fact it hasn’t even gotten off the ground. Despondency about the enormity of the task set in and I was halted by external forces. Like food and drink.

I’m going to start with the double chin. No more phone in hand when I’m watching TV. I’m going to do the deep massaging thing that my mother exhorted me to do in my youth in order to prevent said same double chin. Needless to say I didn’t listen to her.

I’m going to massage and massage until it’s reduced to one and a half chins. It probably will be futile but I can try and it won’t take too much exertion.

Then there’s the puffiness under the eyes. I’m not sure when this became as evident as it is now. I read somewhere it could be a sign of liver disease. But I’m going to try the old cucumber or maybe the teabag trick. I’ll have to do one eye at a time though, in order to be able to watch Love Island and stuff.

Then there’s the feet problem. I have a foot spa in the shed that’s probably 20 years old and never been taken out of its box. It will now be filled with sudsy water and I will sit watching telly with one eye on the screen, one hand on my chin and both feet enjoying a moisturising massage. The offspring will not be allowed to enter in case they try to get me into the nursing home at speed.

But I don’t know how I’m going to tackle the arms that are still waving half an hour after everyone is gone. Or the thighs that are starting to clap together like my mother’s. Or indeed the greatest problem of all — the stomach. Or should I say stomachs.

I suppose I’ll address the smaller tasks first.