Getting by with a little help from my friends

AINE O’CONNOR

THE recent spate of high-profile suicides saw a public chorus of what is always asked in the wake of someone taking their life: “Why didn’t they ask for help?”

That suggests that asking for help is easy, or obvious — it’s not. Whether because of personality type, or because you don’t know you need help, or because you are so low you don’t believe anyone can help, asking for help is neither easy nor obvious.

Everyone gets depressed at times and everyone copes differently. And while coping is seen as admirable, it is arguably also dangerous. Coping requires a degree of disassociation that masks feelings but doesn’t get rid of them. It creates the illusion too that no help is required.

Suicide is an extreme, but there are many less extreme situations where we all need help. Although far from extreme, my current situation is not a golden moment. A turning point, yes; happy, no. My instinct is to isolate myself — but there is no perspective in your own head, you need another voice.

Asking for help before made me feel vulnerable or needy, or I simply didn’t want to worry those I love. Sometimes I’ve been so busy coping that I didn’t know how bad things were.

But I have learned to ask for help. I still cope but I can also say “this is happening and I feel shit”. And really importantly people have learned to push me too. They don’t let me fob them off with denials, even when I have got angry at them for it.

The love and care and kindness I have felt from family and friends has made a difference. I still feel a bit bad, but I don’t feel alone. It’s important to ask for help, it’s also really important to not wait for someone to ask.