Don’t pooh pooh my Dog Awards

IHAVE just been for a short walk. I kept my eyes on the pavement and navigated the turds. Fido and Goldie are eating up their dinners these days.

I was vigilant, because it is not so long ago since I arrived back to the office with my coffee, to discover that I had left the attachments on my shoe liberally spread across the stairs and office carpet. We have a rule in our office that we clean up our own mess. I had not anticipated this rule, which I created, applying to me. I did my duty and hated every micro second of it.

I love dogs but I could not have one. The pooch would spend more time in kennels than at home and that is just not right. It is one of the sad facts about dog ownership in this country that anyone can have a dog, whether they know how to look after it or not. Hence my Dogs Awards. I will be creating this range of simple dog badges in my spare time. These will be worn by the owners, not the dogs.

1. This shows a sad-looking dog wearing a pointed hat with the letter ‘D’ on it. This stands for Dunce, and not Dog. I know there are some do-gooders who will say that this is bad for the dog’s self-esteem, but it is the owner’s self-esteem I intend to target. This badge is for owners who have so little civic spirit that they do not even get a licence. If the human had to pass a test to get the licence they would fail.

2. The basic dog badge shows a happier dog. This is for people who do the basics. They have a licence. Prince comes when called. They put him out to defecate and couldn’t care less where he does his business. If they are out for a walk and Prince stops in the middle of the path to perform, they probably even say ‘Good dog’.

3. The one-star owner would put Snoop into the edge of the path and that is their only nod to the fact that other people walk there too. They probably got him chipped. They are at least aware that the community at large do not wish to walk in dog doings, but they don’t do anything about it. If they walked in some other dog’s poo, they would be the first to phone local radio.

4. The two-star badge, showing an even happier dog, is for those owners who carry little bags with them because it has finally got through to them that they should break their filthy habit. The rest of their behaviour is curious. When they have collected Tiny’s droppings they seem unable to put the warm polythene bag in their pocket or rucksack. So what do they do? They put the bag on a wall, or hang it on a bush or a tree, for someone else to pick up and dispose of. I think two stars is generous but at least they are trying.

5. The three-star owners, who should be the basic and not the best, look after their dog well and walk him regularly. When Shep or Lily needs to do what dogs need to do, they collect it up in their biodegradable bag and put that in another bag and put the result in their pocket, or backpack. They dispose of it later where it can trouble no human being.

Sadly, it is my firm belief that you will see three stars a lot more often on McDonald’s uniforms than on our dog owners. We have a long way to go before mastering the basics of hygiene and dog ownership.