Super-juicy titbits abound but is Lily on right track?
In her new memoir, the pop star opens her heart in an apparent bid to create change, writes Victoria Mary Clarke
IT’S not easy to sell books these days. But Lily Allen does not have that problem. Her new memoir, My Thoughts Exactly, is being talked about all over the world.
Some of the super-juicy titbits that have already been leaked include Lily hiring high-class female prostitutes while on tour and still married to her husband Sam Cooper, having sex with Liam Gallagher in first-class on a plane (while he was married to Nicole Appleton), being almost raped by a record company executive, headbutting Orlando Bloom at a Hollywood party, being rescued by Chris Martin in Malibu and much, much more.
What’s really weird is that I am desperate to read the rest, even though I myself am no stranger to drug-fuelled, deranged behaviour involving A-list celebrities, so it must be really compelling stuff to have got my attention.
I have been trying to figure out why.
I fell in love with Lily back in 2006 when she released her first single Smile. It’s a clever, sassy female revenge song and I loved everything about it, the lyric is genius. I loved that she had broken into the charts by releasing her own demos on Myspace, I was rooting for this young woman who seemed so very much in charge of her own destiny, so self assured, such a great role model for girls.
Lily hasn’t had an easy life, I happen to know her dad, actor/comedian Keith Allen — and while Keith is great company for parties, I could see he might not be an ideal father. I knew that her parents had split when she was four and she had dropped out of school at 15 and she told Rolling Stone magazine that she had been expelled for performing sexual acts on her classmates, but that her parents “didn’t care... They’re products of the 1960s, they’re bang up for a bit of that”.
Lily became world famous, and fame is a challenge for even the most grounded person, so I was thrilled for her when she appeared to be realising her dream of living a normal life in the countryside with a man she loved, raising her children in peace.
It gave me hope that someone who had obviously been let down by life and love could find happiness when so many brilliant creatives are destroyed by their inner demons.
We all know the tragic stories of beautiful, rich, famous people like Elvis and Marilyn who never felt good enough, and never felt accepted for who they really were.
Lily said that because Sam Cooper accepted her for who she was, she didn’t need the ‘bullshit’ of celebrity, Sam made her feel safe and secure, she said.
When she lost her baby, I felt for her because she was so devastated, but I hoped that she would get through it with the help of her husband.
When she announced that she was splitting from Sam, and when she seemed to be going off the rails, and spiralling into addiction I was disappointed — not just for her and for the children, but also because I wanted to believe in the possibility that you could have it all: the fame, the talent, the husband, the family, the dream, even if you had never got the love and attention that you felt you needed as a child.
I wanted to believe that you didn’t need to be cursed by your upbringing, that you could find peace of mind and love no matter what way you were raised.
In the blurb for her book on her publisher’s website, Lily writes ‘So, this is me. Lily Allen. I am a woman. I am a mother. I was a wife. I drink. I have taken drugs. I have loved and been let down. I am a success and a failure. I am a songwriter. I am a singer. I am all these things and more.’ She then goes on to add: “When women share their stories, loudly and clearly and honestly, things begin to change — for the better.” The trouble is, I am not so sure about this.
I am not convinced that just sharing our stories of pain and suffering and challenges and disappointment is actually going to do anything more than just get people’s attention and sell books.
I totally get why people want attention from the media — attention is a drug and it makes us feel special. But ultimately the attention that we are looking for is the attention that we didn’t get from our parents, and I don’t believe that the emptiness and longing can be filled by the followers we have on social media.
I am willing to be wrong about this. And so I asked Aisling Leonard Curtin, a clinical psychologist, if she thinks that sharing your most intimate stuff is ever helpful.
“Sharing intimate details about your life can sometimes be beneficial and sometimes be detrimental to mental health,” she said.
“The key to whether the experience is therapeutic or not is the intention underlying sharing the vulnerable details in the first place.
“If the primary motivation underlying sharing vulnerable details is to get public validation or acceptance then there is a strong chance that the experience will not be therapeutic as there will generally be people who will provide invalidation and lack compassion in their responses.”
I think it is safe to say that there are already many trolls, and that Lily’s book has engendered huge amounts of criticism. Which does not seem therapeutic.
There is hope. Aisling does say that spilling your guts can occasionally be useful. “If the primary motivation in sharing these vulnerable details is around self-acceptance that is not contingent on other responses, this can be beneficial and release shame,’ ” she says.
Ironically, Lily’s latest album is titled No Shame.
I just hope that it works out. Because the story of the child who is not loved growing up hating herself and harming herself has got to end. The sooner the better.
‘My Thoughts Exactly’ by Lily Allen is out now
‘I totally get why people want attention from the media — attention is a drug and it makes us feel special...’