Upmarket cheese-and-onion crisps

You’re no one if you don’t have some kind of food intolerance these days, however is feeling persecuted for her particular food needs

There are certain behaviours I indulge in that I’ve long suspected are perhaps not the actions of many people. Most are harmless. I keep knives under the bed. I buy sweets that are inherently more difficult to share — Creme Eggs, Walnut Whips etc — because of my greed issues. I brush my teeth in the shower. That kind of thing.

These things are quirks, nothing outrageous — except maybe the knives, given that, as Himself has pointed out, I am in all likelihood probably supplying a would-be intruder with a weapon rather than ensuring my own safety. They’re also things that I assume others have some sort of equivalent of — my friend eats Boost bars with a knife and fork, another likes watching videos of wax melting as relaxation.

Then there are behaviours that I assume to be universal, though perhaps not talked about. One of these is what I call ‘preating’. It’s a portmanteau of the words ‘pre’ and ‘eating’ and is the act of eating something snacky before heading to a restaurant or friend’s house for a meal.

It’s a pre-emptive act of eating for when you suspect a meal’s going to be subpar. Or say if you’re going to a house that doesn’t respect real butter in all its glory. When I know there’s likely to be a “spread” in the mix, I will always ensure my pre-snack involves copious butter — see right — this is known as “buttering up”.

Preating is something people, I have found, will judge you for if they’re not ‘preaters’ themselves. “Some people are not thinking about food every second of the livelong day,” was Himself ’s response to my pocketing snacks to preat en route to a barbecue this summer. If they’re not, they should be in my opinion. Especially in that instance.

Barbecues, almost without exception, call for a preat. You never know what you’re coming into in terms of condiment selection or even sufficient cooking of the meat.

The only other occasion that requires such strategic preating is a wedding where the long gap between champagne reception and dinner and a scarcity of canapes means a preat is a non-negotiable.

Being persecuted (albeit by my husband whose opinion hardly counts) for my preating, gave me an insight into how the people with dietary requirements must feel when they announce their veganism or dairy-avoidance.

Preating is my dietary requirement. Their dietary requirement may appear to be motivated by more weighty concerns than a lack of mustard or a dearth of salmon blinis, but I assure you mine is no less important.

This caramelised onion on toast is the perfect preat — I liken it to fancy cheese and onion crisps — though if preating isn’t your thing, it makes a great starter also.

“My friend eats Boost bars with a knife and fork, another likes watching videos of wax melting”