My daughter hasn’t spoken to me for over a year now MARY O’CONOR

QMy problem is that myself and my daughter haven’t spoken to each other for a year. The situation developed when I was in hospital for serious surgery.

I rang my daughter when I was in hospital to ask her not to phone her mother when her mother was out and about, as I suspected my wife was suffering from early-onset Alzheimer’s and I didn’t want her to have an accident. I wanted my daughter to ring my wife when she was sitting down at home in a safe place.

When I rang my daughter she started shouting at me and accusing me of never having loved her or her two daughters.

I was absolutely flabbergasted and taken aback. A nurse who was beside me when I made the phone call told me to abort the call immediately. I am not sure if she thought I was in danger. My daughter proceeded to ring me which I did not and could not answer as I was quite ill. She then sent me abusive text messages regarding our relationship.

I believe she has deeplying issues regarding my house. She and her husband wanted to build a house in my garden which the council would not allow. Her husband then asked if we would live in a granny flat and give them the house.

I would like to resolve the situation as I haven’t seen my grandchildren in nine months. My other problem is that as time goes by I am starting to lose all feelings towards my daughter and her husband.

My wife and I are both in our 70s. My wife fortunately has discovered that she does not have Alzheimer’s but she is suffering from short-term memory loss.

My surgery was only a partial success as I still have health issues. Your advice will be much appreciated.

AWhile trying to ensure that your wife was kept safe and well while you were in the hospital, you ended up being subjected to verbal abuse from your daughter. This must have been deeply distressing for you and I’m glad that the nurse took the initiative and made you finish the call.

Your daughter was obviously blaming you for not agreeing to give up your home and live in a granny flat in order to accommodate herself and her family. While the idea of building a house in your garden had some merit, the council disagreed. This was out of your control and she should realise that. I know that there are huge problems nowadays for young families in trying to get secure housing, and even rental properties are extremely difficult to come by, but screaming at you is no way to behave.

You and your wife are relatively young by today’s standards and are therefore looking at living for possibly another 20 years or so. I doubt if you would be happy to live in a granny flat for that length of time and your daughter should accept that. However, she appears to be punishing you for not acceding to her wishes by keeping you from seeing your two granddaughters. This is totally unacceptable and unfair not only to you and your wife but also to your grandchildren.

All this stress is the very last thing that somebody with any sort of heart condition should be having.

Have you any other children that could intervene and effect some sort of peace between you and your daughter? If not, then perhaps a close relative could step in. They would need to speak with your daughter and her husband and explain that nothing at all is being gained by not being in contact with you. If there is nobody in the family that you can call on then try writing her a letter explaining how things are from your point of view. You should emphasise that you do indeed love her and always have, and that you miss seeing her and your granddaughters.

In a letter you will have time to gather your thoughts and explain exactly how you feel and she will have the opportunity to reflect on what has happened.

Your daughter really has no right to expect her parents to provide her with accommodation. As parents we try to do the best we can for all our children, but it is governed by our own circumstances — financial and otherwise — and always with an eye to the future. For instance if you or your wife were to need nursing care in the years to come, or even a nursing home, then consideration would have to be given to selling the family home or perhaps you have already made provision for this eventuality. In any event, it would be very beneficial for you to get some practical advice regarding inheritance and potential Fair Deal options. A good starting point would be to contact somebody like ‘The Money Doctor’ John Lowe who has an extensive website www. independent financial advice. ie. As you wrote me a letter as opposed to an email I am presuming you don’t use a computer, so John Lowe can be contacted at 01 2785555. It is always wise to plan ahead and feel more in control of the situation, and therefore endure less stress.

Hopefully, with some intervention, you and your daughter will get to be on speaking terms again. Life is too short to hold grudges and you deserve more. You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www. dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@ independent. ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately