Overheard at Brunch

“I’m good, actually. I’m really good. Thanks for asking. Sorry I disappeared off the face of the Earth there for a while, things got pretty hairy, to be honest. The anxiety just came back with a vengeance. You know how it goes — one minute you’re grand, and next thing you know you can’t reply to texts in case you accidentally offend someone, and you’ve spent five hours plucking leg hairs and thinking about how you never sanitise your hand sanitiser. And I was that close to falling back into plant-based keto dieting again.

“But then I found cleaning — on Instagram. There’s this Essex one and she just seems so normal and she has anxiety too, and I swear to god she’s like, cured me — with cleaning videos. You need the gear: the sprays, the cloths, the right colour Lenor. They can actually be hard to get hold of now because of the demand, but I got a sponge on eBay for €10 — obviously I’ve only used it on clean surfaces so far.

“And then there’s Zoflora — it’s this English disinfectant. I’ve 20 of them on the shelf at home; they look so satisfying, all lined up together. I just got rid of a load of novels to make space. Literature hasn’t been sparking joy like polishing my taps has.

“I must actually stockpile more; the Irish Zoflora market is really uncertain with Brexit. And you get through it so quickly, you’re supposed to feck it down the plughole and into the toilet a few times a day. I did have pause about the plastic and poisoning the fish, but the place smells amazing. Like a really nice hospital. In the Bahamas.

“But yeah, between making the bed, and spraying it with disinfectant, keeping the sinks shining, and toilets bleached, and casing out Dealz for limited-edition Zoflora, and Febreze-ing the couch, and wiping down the remote before bed — there’s no time to be anxious! Really, I’m so much better.”