I’m devastated after my best friend ended our love affair

QI’m in my 40s, married with two children. I have been with my husband for 20 years — he is very controlling and suffers with mental health issues. I am desperately unhappy with him and hate any physical contact. I had an 18-month affair with my best friend. We have known each other for six years and always had some sort of connection. She is also married with two children, she is unhappy in her marriage and also has sex with her husband which she refers to as a ‘duty’.

It was a surprise when we kissed while drunk on a night out — we initially put it down to a drunken snog. However, neither of us could forget it — six months later while again out drunk we kissed and then started an affair. We made each other very happy and fell in love — we talked about wanting to be together and dreamed of how our life would be.

She recently ended the affair as neither of us could see a way out of our current situation with financial obligations etc. She said that she couldn’t hurt her children and was going to give her marriage another go. Neither of our husbands know of the affair. She has told me she will always love me and that she truly believes that I am her soulmate.

I know that she is mine, but have a hard time believing she genuinely felt the same way as she was willing to end it.

Our physical relationship was amazing and both of us could not believe how right it felt — neither of us had been with a woman before and we both really enjoyed sex for the first time. We both describe life with our husbands as like living a lie and pretending.

I am depressed at the moment and hurting — I have not only lost the person I love but my best friend. I just see my future pretending to be happy with a man I don’t love and know in years to come I will think what a waste my life was. That makes me so sad but I can’t see a way out.

I go to bed at night hoping not to wake up.

AYour very last sentence worries me as it shows what a fragile state of mind you are in. Please remember that the Samaritans are always available to chat on the telephone day and night, every day of the year.

They can be contacted at Freephone 116 123 in Ireland and if you are outside Ireland you can get the relevant numbers online.

It is always heartbreaking when an affair ends, particularly for the person who did not choose to end it.

You are in an unhappy marriage and hate any physical contact. Then your same-sex friendship developed into a fully sexual affair. Sex became a wonderful thing unlike anything you had ever previously experienced and you felt really happy.

The problem however, is that neither of you were free to have an affair, regardless of how great it was. You are both married, with children, and with that comes responsibilities.

Your friend obviously came to the realisation that she was not prepared to give up all that she had, no matter how difficult it is. That is her prerogative and you have had to respect that. It must be awful for you not to have her in your life anymore, but it will make it easier in the long run for you to get over her if you don’t see her.

You now have to decide what to do about your own unhappy life. Is your husband having medical help for his mental health issues?

I certainly hope so, and if not you should speak to your GP voicing your unhappiness and ask what can be done. You have choices.

You can keep things exactly as they are, you can separate, or you can seek help in trying to have a happier marriage. Keeping things as they are is the least appealing option because you are desperately unhappy, and as a result your children will have picked up your unhappiness. They are probably still quite young and may well be affected by all this. Your husband also must realise that it is not a happy household.

You have obviously thought about leaving the marriage when you were planning to be with your friend, but is this really an option?

What would happen to the children, how would you manage financially and where would you live are just some of the questions which you would have to consider.

You have been through a lot, and are continuing to go through it, so you need support.

Even if your husband were to agree to counselling there are things that you would not be prepared to share with him.

So to begin with, you would need to speak to somebody who can be non-judgmental and objective.

This is not something that a friend can do, because they will most likely say what they think you want to hear.

So find a recommended and qualified psychotherapist in your area and spend some time with them working through your experiences and problems.

When you are less raw, you will be able to decide what is best for you and your family.

In the meantime, don’t forget the Samaritans, or equivalent, when things are feeling unbearable. You will be very glad you called them.