Overcome after rape trauma
QI was overcome with depression this morning when all my life I have been a very happy person. Perhaps that is because I haven’t dealt with the mountain of bad things that happened to me.
Everything seems to be coming into my consciousness now, and I think it’s because I became aware, after my mother died, of the bullying by my siblings and that has made me so sad. If they only knew what I have been through in life, especially my teens and early 20s. I would do anything for them, but it’s as if they had been waiting all their lives to put me down and now that my mother is dead they can do it. When I thought I had the love and respect of my siblings I could go on happily with my life and not dwell on past hardships. After a difficult start I just got on with it, got myself a qualification and I ran my own very successful business for years so I didn’t let the terribleness of that time affect me. So here is my story.
I started seeing a man when I was 19 years of age and after about two months I went to a party with him. I know now that I was beyond naive then. We went back to his friend’s house afterwards and there were three or four of his male friends there. Two of my female friends were also there, we all had a drink after which I noticed my two friends were strongly hinted at to go.
They left and the next thing I remember was waking up the next morning and this man that I was dating was in bed beside me and the sheets were covered in blood. Obviously intercourse had taken place, I had been a virgin up until that night. The result of that night of blankness was a pregnancy for me and a life of never knowing whether my drink was spiked by this man’s friends or by this man, because I have absolutely no memory of that night whatsoever.
I had a very good job in Dublin at the time and I couldn’t tell my parents that I was pregnant, so I went to a convent when I started showing to have my baby. I kept my baby, married this man and I had one other baby after we married.
I put all this trauma to the back of my mind for all these years. We have done well, as they say in Ireland, we live in a beautiful house and go on holiday a few times a year.
My brother asked me not to marry this man because he had a name of being wild and a womaniser. My brother didn’t know I was pregnant at the time. I had my baby minded until we got married and then introduced our baby to everyone which was a huge shock. This was my husband’s idea.
My siblings have displayed jealousy towards us because of our comfortable lifestyle. My husband settled down when we got married, worked tirelessly for us and overall has provided a good life for me and our children.
However, he is a man who needs to be in control of everything and if he got away with it he would only have his name on the deeds of our house. He does have a temper and I could never have an intimate talk to him about any of the above or any of my feelings, he just wouldn’t have it. He would storm out or raise his voice to disagree and that would be the end of the discussion.
The fact as to whether I was raped that night so long ago haunts me and continues to come into my consciousness more and more. I could put it to the back of my mind if only I felt loved by my siblings as well as my husband and children. I do feel loved by my children thank God, my husband shows love by working hard and providing for our family.
What should I do?
AYou certainly have been through a lot and I’m only sorry that it has taken you so long to do something about your early experiences. You say that you are feeling very sad because of the bullying by your siblings. You have given me examples but for reasons of space I have not gone into any great detail. Bullying at any time is horrible and we are so much more aware of it now because of how much it is highlighted in the press and the media in general.
This is a very good thing because the suffering endured by those who are bullied is immense, as you well know.
Do not underestimate the effect your mother’s death may have had on you. Death of a parent can generate the most profound sense of loss and can hit at any time, with no warning. You have a big secret that you kept from everybody, including your mother, and her death may well have stirred up old feelings about this.
But at the kernel of your story is the fact that your first child was conceived as a result of date rape. You were given alcohol, passed out and woke up having had sex and being pregnant.
That is huge in anybody’s life, and it is very sad that you cannot speak about it with your husband. He chooses to deal with things by refusing to discuss them and walking away, which is of absolutely no help to you. You have not spoken about it to anybody, until this letter, and I would urge you very strongly to do so now.
The Rape Crisis Centre exists to help people through all sorts of trauma, and initially you can contact its national 24-hour helpline on 1800 778 888. The website that would be of benefit to you is Rape Crisis Help where you can find a Rape Crisis Centre near you rapecrisishelp.ie. There are branches all over the country so wherever you live you will be able to get help. It doesn’t matter that this happened so many years ago, they will still be able to help you deal with all the residual pain you are feeling as a result.
Please seek help as soon as you can.