Small talk

It was a friend’s mother’s 50th birthday party in London,

and mostly a family affair.

The only child, a 10-year-old girl, perched next to me. Cool cat ears, I said. The hostess caught my eye and mouthed, sorry.

The people next to me talked Christmas plans.

We discussed our mutual distaste for the restrictiveness of jeans, and our favourite kind of hoodies, and leggings versus tights.

We ate. She feared she’d cracked a tooth on some tahdig. I had a good look; all clear.

She described her grandmother’s version of the crispy rice dish, which had just the right amount of crunch. This isn’t like real, real Iranian food, she told me. The secret, she said, was butter and salt. I said that was my grandmother’s secret too. ‘Even in Ireland?’

The people next to me talked about Brexit.

She looked up our star signs. Her element, it said, was air — she told me that sometimes when she’s running really fast, it feels like it’s actually the air pushing her along.

In this bubble of suspended disbelief, I confessed that I sometimes felt the same in water. She nodded sagely, and guessed my sign: ‘Cancer’.

She asked for a definition of superficial, and then of passive aggressive.

The host whispered that I would be rescued very shortly. The people next to me talked about shopping, and property.

We set her new Baby G watch, and she offered a sympathetic ear for the tragic story of my own, 20 years ago, which was the wrong colour.

We looked at her art (animal mash-ups). We talked about what people mean when they call you ‘weird’.

A mortified aunt: ‘I’m so sorry about this.’

She showed me her TikTok and tried to explain it. We played with some of the fidget-toys from her backpack, as we talked about what makes a good teacher, and what makes a good friend.

We talked about the heartbreak of a best friend moving schools. We argued about whether theatre trips or museum trips are better, and which is the best Narnia book.

People beside me exchanged what they did for a living.

I left when she did — I find with parties, it’s best to quit while you’re ahead.