Harry could be on to something

NOW and then, an actor will leave EastEnders, convinced that he is being held back by the popular soap, convinced he can do better out in the world, convinced he is hugely popular in his own right. These people generally realise very quickly that it was not they who were popular, but their character on the soap. They might get a stint on I’m A Celebrity or some such show, and then gradually they fade from memory, perhaps ending up in panto in Wigan.

And now Harry is metaphorically leaving his own Albert Squares, as he probably calls the Royals. Except he doesn’t want his character killed off just yet. And rather than going under his own name, he wants to bring the name of his character with him to his next job, and he wants to use the EastEnders theme tune as well. And maybe some of the storylines. He just doesn’t want to actually be in EastEnders. The question now, to mix metaphors, is whether Harry will be a Robbie Williams or a Brian McFadden.

Initially, the Royals freaked out about losing one of their most popular characters, because, after all, “It’s all about fem-lee innit?” And then Harry’s grandmother ‘Peggy Mitchell’ calmed down, and ordered his brother ‘Grant’, the future king, to ‘sorh ih aaaowt’.

Meanwhile, the UK press had a complete fit of hysteria, and then a few more when they discovered how many papers the hysteria was selling.

In the meantime, once everyone else got over the shock, a little lightbulb appeared over their heads. ‘‘Hang on a minute,” they thought, ‘‘you can resign from your family? No one ever told us this’’. It is now thought that more Britons have applied to resign from their families in the last three days than applied for Irish passports in the whole of last year, and that’s a lot.

Indeed, I know this isn’t the appropriate forum to announce it, and I’m sorry my family are finding it out in the media along with the rest of the world, but I’m resigning from my family. I’m going to try and stand on my own two feet financially, and as you read this, a website is going live explaining my decision in more detail, and offering for sale branded pencils, wellness materials and beauty products. I draw the line at spending half the year in Canada however. In the carving up of the world between us, I’ll be offering Canada to my family.

Like Harry, I feel too that my family has made me do things I didn’t want to do, go to events I didn’t want to go to, like school plays, and make small talk with visiting dignitaries. I will be staying in the house however, and I will expect to be included in family meals.

And in the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be down the Queen Vic with my mate Harry, having pints at lunchtime, because we can.