‘Most people fear that they are not good enough’
Adam Starr gave up the corporate life to teach Buddhism in his native Dublin — and to show how its teachings can enhance our lives, writes Niamh Horan
WHAT would it be like to date a Buddhist? No passionate rows, intense emotional longing or barrage of texts craving attention? It would just be Zen. Or hell, depending on where you stand — and if you like that bit of madness.
Adam Starr is a Buddhist teacher with over 20 years’ meditative training. He decided not to take the stereotypical route of a
Zen master by enjoying his enlightenment on a remote mountain top in Tibet. Instead, the Dubliner lives in Ireland — and even manages the ultimate spiritual test: a woman.
Before the complaints, that was a jest. But, let’s face it, even for the most emotionally healthy person, such ‘non-attachment’ — which is at the heart of Buddhist teaching — must be hard in a relationship.
“Does your girlfriend ever go mad and shake you by the shoulders saying ‘NEEEEED ME !!!! ’,” I ask when we meet in Balfes cafe. He looks tickled and explains: “Buddhism never creates problems in our relationships. It is only our mind that creates problems when it isn’t in a good space.”
For Buddists, life is about releasing ourselves from limiting beliefs and desires and accepting life on life’s terms.
Born in Baldoyle, he grew up near the ocean close to the Christian Brothers. Each day, as he wandered home from school, he would hang out with the brothers asking the big questions. One of them, Brother Kevin Carr, was the trigger for his later search for enlightenment. “He embodied kindness, compassion and wisdom and there was a sense of joy all the time,” Adam recalls.
Drawing on Maya Angelou’s truism that “people will forget what you said and what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel”, he can’t recall anything noteworthy Brother Kevin told him, but says the energy the brother emanated spoke volumes.
Still, it would be years before Adam sought out that same inner peace. At 19, he moved to London and took up a corporate high-flying job travelling the world. He eventually crossed paths with the respected meditation master, Geshe Kelsang
Gyatso Rinpoche, who became his mentor. A story about Geshe recalls how a student asked him how he was feeling, to which he chirpily responded: “Great, I am so happy because I have so many problems.” In his eyes, his troubles were merely opportunities to deepen his acceptance, patience, compassion and wisdom.
Adam began meditating in his hotel rooms and discovered instant benefits.
Noticing a person’s natural inner state is always one of pure serenity — and from this inner space he could cultivate his better nature — he says “I was finding I had all the inner resources I needed and I could use [that as resilience] in the corporate world.”
All well and good in theory, but some of the most successful people we know are mad. The edge gives them the drive. But — Adam says — many of the world’s most successful names have taken on the practice to increase their potential even more. Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Oprah, Marc Benioff, CEO of Salesforce, LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner and Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood all meditate daily.
After leaving his job and declining the lure of a bigger salary to convince him to stay, he gave up all possessions and is now teaching meditation at the Tara Kadampa Meditation Centre in Dublin. He also visits schools, colleges and workplaces throughout Ireland to show people how it can enhance their lives.
“Most people struggle with the feeling that they are ‘not good enough’,” he says. “They believe they need something outside to complete them. It is an underlying disease. We are just not comfortable being with our self — we think we need a job, partner, money or piece of clothing to make us happy.
“It can manifest in many different ways so, for example, if you are holding in your heart a feeling that you are never good enough, it might manifest as you being incredibly ambitious and driven because you want to get to that next level where you finally accomplish some big goal, and then you think ‘finally, when I get there, I am gonna feel good enough’. The only problem is, you never do feel good enough.”
While teaching in
Oslo several years ago, he describes how a wealthy and successful woman told him that she had only gotten to where she is because of that limiting belief. He asked her: “But do you honestly ever feel that you have gotten there?” She said no and started crying.”
Another trap of not feeling ‘good enough’ lies in relationships, says Adam. He believes people commonly misinterpret the meaning of love.
He says simply: “Love is a wish for others to be happy and free from suffering. But where our pain comes from is the mistaken belief that the other person can make us happy all of the time when no one has the power to do that. Instead that is called ‘attachment’.
“When someone says ‘I love you’ and ‘you make me so happy’, one part of us is deeply flattered and another is saying, ‘Oh my goodness this isn’t going to go well’. So we put that burden unconsciously on others. We are not doing it purposefully but we are left wondering why they are not performing their function which, in our mind, is to make us happy.”
He points out that people say ‘if you loved me, you would do X, Y and Z ‘ but he says “those unrealistic expectations is where pain comes from.
“We all do it to some extent, and it’s no big deal, but with some selfcompassion you can understand that these mistaken beliefs are causing pain and you can learn various meditation practices to release it and liberate that natural love within you, which is not contingent on anything.
“Otherwise that neediness in that relationship makes the other person neurotic because they can never live up to your crazy expectations and at the same time it makes you neurotic because they can never give you what you want.”
He never fights with his girlfriend of more than a decade, but I wonder how far he can take his nonattachment training. In Buddhism you want your partner to be happy. So what if his girlfriend said what would make her happy is to go on a date with Brad Pitt? He laughs — “Well, if it’s
Brad Pitt I won’t argue but if it’s anybody else…”
He adds: “We don’t cling on to anything because that is where pain comes from. So if she decides to run off with Brad Pitt then yes it would be difficult because I am working through the attachment in my mind.
But, if I really take refuge in my love for her, there is a lot more capacity to accept that reality... I am not saying that’s what I would be able to do but I would try my best.”
And with that he demonstrates the first rule of enlightenment: the journey never ends.
Adam will be providing BREATHE Meditations at Thrive Festival, Ireland’s most dynamic fitness and wellness event, in the Convention Centre Dublin on February 29 and March 1. https://thrivefestival.ie. For information on meditation classes visit www.meditateinireland.com