Can my emotionally abusive partner change with therapy?

QI have been seeing my boyfriend for almost two years. I am 23, he is 26 and he is my first serious boyfriend. I can list numerous incredible qualities about him that I adore, and I feel loved and supported by him in ways I never imagined possible. I truly want to be with him forever.

One issue, however, is casting a shadow: he has a temper which he only displays around me. He has never physically or verbally hurt me — I wouldn’t be with him if I believed he would — but sometimes his behaviour could be regarded as emotionally abusive. We could be joking one second and the next minute he is pissed off with something I have said.

He either sulks and shuts down or gives a snappy retort. I used to say sorry and ask him to help me understand what I said that upset him. However, I’ve realised that it’s not me that is the issue — he often can’t even explain to me what about my words made him angry, “they just did”, yet he realises that there was never any malice in what I’ve said.

His parents fought a lot and he eventually lost a parent to a tragic accident. Conversely, my parents never once fought in front of my brother or me. We therefore have different understandings of how much fighting in a relationship is normal.

To me this is an awful lot: him being snappy with me counts as a fight, whereas to him it is nothing really; he only realises how much it has hurt me after he sees my reaction.

He is always extremely sorry, can’t understand where his anger came from, will make an effort not to let it happen again, etc, but it has happened enough times that I know it won’t stop unless he gets professional help to sort out his anger issues.

And I see his little snappy moments as a red flag that could potentially turn violent over time. I recently told him that the only way I could continue in this relationship was if I saw concrete action from him to try to stop the snapping through seeking professional help like CBT. He agreed to it for me and has said that he will start therapy soon.

Other than this, he has done everything in his power to make me happy. He doesn’t display any other emotionally abusive traits (criticism, control, jealousy, confusion, etc). But even if it isn’t abuse, I know it’s not okay.

I have read countless stories about women who ignored warning signs and found themselves in an abusive relationship; I realise how easy it could be for me to be too optimistic that he will be able to change with therapy.

Am I wasting my time and energy on a guy who will only hurt me?

YOU signed your email ‘Anxious and Confused’ and I can fully understand why you are feeling this way. Almost everything in your relationship is very good. He sounds like a very loving partner except for this big problem.

Your gut is telling you that he has the potential to become violent and that is simply not acceptable. What he does is not okay.

Your question is whether your boyfriend can change with therapy. We can all change how we do things if we want to change badly enough, and if we are prepared to put in a lot of hard work. He said he will seek professional help for his anger and it is up to him now to prove he can change.

You have to give him a chance to change but nobody can guarantee that he will. So see how serious he is about it all, and what effect the therapy has on him, before you make up your mind as to what to do.

You certainly do not want to be walking on eggshells around him for the rest of your life, fearing an eruption. On the other hand, you have to be able to differentiate between a ‘normal’ disagreement, and how you both deal with it, as opposed to him losing his temper for no apparent reason.

There were 16,994 disclosures of domestic abuse to Women’s Aid Direct Services in 2018, including 11,112 disclosures of emotional abuse. This is a frightening statistic, and what you are describing is indeed emotional abuse. So you are right to be apprehensive about a future together.

It may help for you to talk this issue over with somebody from Women’s Aid as they have a wealth of experience and will give you as much time as you need to talk it through. Their National Helpline is 1800 341 900 and there is also a chatline on www.womensaid.ie

I am sorry not to have a more definitive answer for you, but my postbag has made me very aware of just how many women are at risk from their partners, so I have to urge caution.

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by visiting www.dearmary.ie or email her at dearmary@independent.ie or write c/o 27-32 Talbot St, Dublin 1. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately