I fear for my family’s health as husband refuses to wash hands

QI am at the end of my tether and so worried. My husband refuses to wash his hands after using the loo, and under almost all other circumstances, unless they are very visibly dirty.

He also refuses to wash or change his clothes regularly (maybe once or twice a week) and does not even change his underwear daily. Then he expects me to wash his filthy underclothes.

We have been married for 24 years, and he wasn’t always like this. He is not depressed and has a good social life. He is fairly active daily. I can’t figure out why he won’t wash, unless it’s laziness or he just wants to annoy me. We don’t have a great relationship, but hygiene should not be used as a ‘weapon’. I have tried everything from asking very sweetly, non-confrontationally (I can’t stand confrontations and he would only blow up anyway), to showing him the facts and information about hygiene and disease, and reminding him to at least wash his hands after using the toilet. He will always say I’m nagging, making too much of it, ‘panicking’, and then just won’t do it.

I don’t know if other people notice these dirty habits, and he does develop a musky smell after a few days of not washing. He hasn’t ever said that anyone comments on it but I certainly notice it as do our children.

I have been concerned for my family’s health and have been careful not to show this too much to the children as I don’t want them to think badly of their dad.

It’s bad enough that this is a daily issue but now, with a Covid-19 pandemic, I’m extremely worried. My elderly parents, who also have serious health problems, visit regularly and are very close to their grandchildren. I am so fearful that they are at real risk because of my husband’s bad hand and general hygiene.

I had breast cancer a few years ago and have recovered well but am also fearful for my own health and safety. I have told my husband about these concerns but he seems unbothered.

I really, truly don’t know what to do at this stage, Mary. It’s unbearable.

QIt certainly sounds an unbearable situation and one that requires immediate action. Everybody is feeling stressed, to varying degrees, during the Covid-19 pandemic. But with your cancer history it is particularly important that you keep stress to a minimum as it is very well known that stress contributes to depleting your immune system.

It is extraordinary that in this day and age you should have to write to me about this. In times gone by, when there were no showers, Saturday bath night before Sunday Mass (whether you needed it or not as the saying goes) was the norm, and the immersion was closely monitored to ensure that no extra electricity was used in heating the water. This has all changed for the better for the average household, but yours seems to be an exception.

If your children already notice their dad’s body odour then they will already be thinking badly of him so there is very little need to protect them.

However, there is no point in having endless arguments in their presence and so you should limit any confrontation that you have to when you are alone. This brings me to your admission that you don’t like confrontations. I remember a friend telling me that his marriage had broken up because he had no knowledge as to how to argue — his mother had always deferred to his father, saying that his father was basically a good man. As a result when my friend and his wife began having problems and she started to argue with him he felt defenceless. My point is that sometimes it is much more healthy to argue than to keep quiet, and this is one of those times.

Why on earth are you doing his laundry? Stop it immediately, and tell him why.

You have to hit him where it hurts, and this will hurt him. He sounds like a bold child so treat him as one. Tell him that until he starts living by normal people’s rules, washing his hands frequently and showering, that you are withdrawing all things that you normally provide in the home to him. You should also say that he merits social isolation because of his unwillingness to maintain standard hygiene and that you will be enforcing this.

Much is being written as to ways to keep ourselves sane while we are almost all at home.

We are all trying to be mindful of our partners and families while he is doing the total opposite.

I know that this behaviour goes back to before the pandemic, but in a way Covid-19 will be helpful to you in making your point.

Under the current social isolation your parents are now unable to visit, so you are at least spared the stress of worrying about them. Please take my advice to heart and save yourself even more anxiety. And stay strong no matter what your husband says or does.

Your children will thank you — even if he doesn’t.