THE NIGHT OWL

Triona McCarthy

Dear 3.30am, It’s Triona here. We have to stop meeting like this. I’d much rather sleep with you!!

As a beauty expert, I know you need at least eight hours of sleep every night to look your best (although some might need nine — just kidding).

It’s 3.33am right now as I type this, and trust me when I tell you, I would love nothing more than to be in the land of Zs, but this is my normal time for writing, emailing, invoicing and, OK, an awful lot of online window shopping. From my boffice as I call it; my, eh, bed-office. My bed is where I do my best work, I’ll have you know.

I always feel way more creative at night. For instance, I could never write this during the day. Will, my husband, is lying next to me, sound asleep since 11pm. I often say I don’t want to sleep like a baby — I want to sleep like my husband.

One of the many reasons why I married this man was his ability to sleep — no bother at all to him, even as I type away next to him, or FaceTime my sister Laura in Melbourne, or my BFFs, Wayne in Dubai and Mary and Maureen in the US. I even watch Netflix — yes, we have a TV in the bedroom; and yes, I know it’s a big no-no.

But I’m way past all the ‘no devices in the bedroom’ and ‘make your bedroom your refuge with just a bed in it’ advice. None of it has worked for me. I’m just not good in bed, I guess. Believe it or not, I’m a lot better than I used to be. When I first met Will, he used to say that he’d fall asleep while I’d fall apart...

My first real memory of lying awake all night, unable to sleep, was after my friend Katie was killed. Right in front of me, in a random, tragic accident. I was eight, the same age as Katie. I was skipping down to the shop, holding my younger sister’s hand. Tricia was only three. I remember not really knowing what had happened — or rather not understanding what had happened. But that night, when I went to bed, I was afraid Katie would ‘appear’ to me. This worried me.

My eyelids would be heavy, but thoughts of Katie were heavier. Back then, nobody talked about what had happened that day. We went from playing together every single day, to never mentioning Katie again. It was like she had been erased. This bothered me. A lot.

Mary — my BFF to this day and Katie’s sister — and I sometimes talk about the way things were back then, which was that no one dared mention anything hard.

“Just bottle it all up, so you didn’t make anyone feel bad; just say it’s grand and get on with things.”

I’m sure you think I should have therapy at this point. I did — twice — after Tricia died. I thought the therapist was going to help me through the grief of losing my younger sister, but she quickly got past that to unlock a whole load of stuff that, quite frankly, I’d prefer to keep shoved up in the attic of my mind, as such.

So yeah, from a very young age, I’ve found it hard to go to sleep. Once I actually get to sleep, I’m fine, although I’m a very light sleeper. At night, I can’t sleep, and in the morning, I can’t wake up. Sometimes I feel my life is backwards as I wake up feeling tired, but go to bed wide awake.

My parents weren’t very strict when it came to our bedtimes; we kind of suited ourselves.

Going to boarding school in my teens was a nightmare — it was my first time having a regular routine really, with lights out at 10pm. So when I grew up and became the mistress of my own destiny, I soon found a life where I could stay up all night. I didn’t earn the nickname Party McCarthy by being tucked up in bed every night at 9pm.

I also discovered boyfriends in bands suited my lifestyle best, as did working for myself.

Meeting Will, a morning lark, and having children has not been without its difficulties, but we manage. Being a member of the Wide Awake Club does have its advantages, though. The first few months with a newborn, who was wide awake all night with me, felt like great company.

On a typical day, Will is up before 7am and leaves the house before 7.45am, and that’s when I get up, having fallen asleep probably between 3am or 4am. I have never, ever, as far as I know, slept for more than five hours straight in my whole entire life.

Generally, though, I don’t feel tired. I only ever feel really tired if I haven’t bothered going to sleep at all — say if I have a 5am start for a flight, or early filming.

Then I feel kind of nauseous all day, and I know I tend to overdo it on caffeine. And chocolate.

What I am super-strict about, though, is my children’s sleep routine. I always say I want them to have the gift of sleep. Even though I recently read about this guy,

John Holt, author and educator, who said: “I can’t help noting that no cultures in the world that I have ever heard of [except our Western culture] make such a fuss about children’s bedtimes, and no cultures have so many adults who find it so hard either to go to sleep or wake up. Could these social facts be connected? I strongly suspect they are.”

Hmmm.

I have experimented with all types of sleeping aids, stocking up on Tylenol PM and melatonin when I’m in the US. I thought CBD would be my saving grace, but really it’s like diet-weed; I think I need the THC ‘get-high’ component. I’ve tried all the apps, and once the world gets back to normal after Covid-19, I’ve promised myself that I’m going to try a sleep school and finally sort myself out.

Meantime, I realise that I can’t sleep like everyone else, but I’ve decided I just don’t want to stress out about it. It’s just a part of who I am.

Rightio, it’s nearly 4am — my bedtime! Na-night.