Beware the dreaded fun factor

WE had always suspected it, but on Thursday night’s Prime Time we finally got the proof that The Experts are the fun police. There was a conversation going on about the generally agreed truth that the chances of contracting Covid outdoors are fairly minimal. A cranky-looking expert from England looming down at us from a big screen said that, in fact, it was practically zero.

Our own Cillian de Gascun, sitting in the studio, had a kind of instinctive reaction. It’s hard to say what it was. Perhaps that he wasn’t having some expert coming on to his turf, telling Irish people anything about Covid-19. The local experts weren’t having foreign experts telling us racy stories about it being okay to be outside. That kind of information could be dangerous to Irish people. It could breed the dreaded complacency.

So Cillian swung into action: “Talking, laughing… I guess that’s the risk of being outside as well … the fun factor… people are laughing, shouting, speaking loudly … that will generate more respiratory droplets than other, normal sort of quiet breathing or talking …”

Cillian meant well, and you suspect he didn’t quite mean it as it came out, and he was erring on the side of caution. But it was like Father Ted meets John Charles McQuaid. Talking, laughing — down with that sort of thing. We must be modest. No laughter. No loud talking. Irish people should speak quietly. Indeed decent expert-fearing Irish people should breathe quietly.

You wondered if, when the historians look back, that will be the moment that will be remembered as the beginning of the end of the expert regime, when they felt they were losing control, so they warned people that laughter, or the sin of loud breathing, could kill.

Laughter and loud talking were just the latest two of our favourite things that have been found to give you coronavirus. We have already learnt that “congregating” is not good, neither is “descending on” places, whether they be beaches or hardware stores. Older people talking to other older people while out for a walk was on the list for a time. As if older people go out for a walk for any other reason.

This weekend, the nice weather that has made the lockdown bearable threatens to end it for a certain cohort, as they throw caution to the wind. There is even talk that Alan Kelly might leave that attic room where he sits in front of the computer skyping into TV shows. The weather, this weekend, truly could be the cause of, and the solution to, all our problems.

So as we enjoy the kind of glorious June bank holiday weekend we’d never be lucky enough to have in non-pandemic times, let us remember to breathe quietly and modestly, to talk quietly and with humility. Remember to avoid, at all costs, the “fun factor”. And remember too to take a note of anyone you meet. And if you find you’re having to use an A4 pad, then you’re possibly meeting too many people. But seriously, let’s be careful out there.