I feel so used as my wife makes me do everything
QI am 34 and have been married for four years. I love my wife. She is also in her 30s. We have a house and both of us have steady careers.
My wife earns more than I do. However, I’m the one who has to look after all our financial commitments from mortgage to heating, insurance and electricity. I also have to carry out all maintenance work which means my weekends are spent cutting lawns and general maintenance, both inside and outside.
My wife has now suggested that I should cut lawns and do the painting for her elderly parents. I have no problems with any of this. My wife cleans our house at the weekend, which takes approximately two hours. After that she watches TV all weekend and never offers to help with the remainder of the work that needs to be done. When I come in after a busy Saturday, she asks what I intend cooking for dinner.
She does not do any of my washing, even though this is in the same wash-basket as hers. As a result, my Sundays are usually spent washing and ironing my own clothes. She believes it is up to me to do my own washing and cooking as I “do nothing in the house”.
If I challenge her, she becomes defensive and throws it all back at me and it ends in a row. I’m not great at defending myself and she will overcome me if I confront her. It has come to the stage that I would rather leave the house and just get on with being used, rather than confront her.
Our sex life is literally non-existent; when we are in bed, she just goes on her iPad rather than talking. When I come in from work, she is on the iPad or watching TV.
I am wondering if I really want to continue marriage like this, or is it something that I am doing wrong?
AApart from loving your wife, I wonder what on earth you are getting from this marriage. It sounds like a lot of hard work and very little joy.
You appear to be working seven days a week, whereas she has the weekends free apart from two hours of housework.
Looking at the finances first, you imply that you are paying all the bills including the mortgage, which for most people is the biggest bill every month. This does not make sense as she is earning more than you are. If you have two separate bank accounts, which a lot of people do, then you should have a third account for all household expenses. Then each person pays an agreed percentage of their earnings into this account. It should be the same percentage for each partner.
It sounds very much as if your wife is feeling entitled to do as little as possible in the home because she is earning the bigger salary. And you are going along with this very uneven state of affairs. Perhaps she works much longer hours than you do, in which case I can understand her wish to chill at the weekends. But the workload sounds about 90pc you and 10pc her, which is very unfair.
It sounds to me like there is bullying going on, and as you are not prepared to stand up to her, she continues to bully you. This is a million miles away from what marriage should be, and I urge you to try to change things.
Marriage is about feeling loved by your best friend, and I don’t get any sense of this from you.
There has to be compromise in any relationship but in this case you are doing all the compromising. So start to stand up for yourself by saying you are very happy to help out with her parents but this is putting extra pressure on an already very busy weekend and so she will have to be prepared to, for instance, do some of the cooking.
Or suggest that you take turns in doing the cooking at weekends, and stand your ground if she is not agreeable.
And not putting your clothes into the washing machine sounds very petty on her part. Ironing, however, should be up to the individual, unless one person particularly likes ironing!
Going to bed with her iPad is a not-so-subtle way of telling you that she is not interested in being intimate. It is very insulting to you and is something you will have to address with her.
You ask if you are doing anything wrong. Yes, you are. You are not valuing yourself sufficiently, and because of that you are allowing your wife to call the shots. Please take a stand before it is too late; otherwise it will get to the stage where you will feel that you have no option but to leave the marriage.