I’m not sure what it is, but it begins with ‘fit’ – which is bad

YOU JUST WENT OUT AND BOUGHT ONE WITHOUT TELLING ME? BUT I’M YOUR WIFE

WE WERE lying in bed reading the Aldi leaflet (doesn’t get much more rock’n’roll than that) when he drops his latest clanger: ‘ I’m thinking of buying a Fitbit.’

I recoil in horror. To be honest I don’t really know what a Fitbit is but it has ‘fit’ at the beginning of it, which means it has something to do with fitness and exercise. This is bad. I did not sign up to be married to a fitness fanatic.

It was bad enough when he had me doing the tennis and when he decided we were eating too much crap. But this Fitbit business is just a step too far. I’m actually fearful he’s going to start eating kale and eschewing alcohol. Our marriage would never survive.

Later that day as he picked up his wine glass, I noticed he was wearing a new accessory. ‘ Did you get a new watch?’ He smiled smugly. ‘ That’s my Fitbit.’

I’m a little bit taken aback. ‘ You just went out and bought one without telling me?’

His hackles rise. ‘Firstly, I did tell you this morning, and secondly, I didn’t realise I needed permission.’

See? Heading for the divorce courts already. ‘But,’ I stutter, ‘ I’m your wife! You’re supposed to tell me stuff like this. And how much did it cost? You can’t go out and buy stuff like Fitbits without telling me.’

I’m warming to my theme, but all he does is laugh and smile indulgently at his new toy.

After a few frosty moments my curiosity got the better of me so I asked him exactly what did it do. He was vague to say the least. ‘It tracks how much exercise I do and how much sleep I get.’

I don’t get it. ‘ Surely you know yourself how much exercise you get and how long you sleep. Why would you need a gadget to tell you?’ He tells me I don’t understand. Too bloody right I don’t.

‘It’s all a bit bloody ridiculous if you ask me.’ He glares at me. ‘Well, nobody did ask you,’ he says, storming off to count his steps.

Over the next few days we are given a hourly run-down of his activity. ‘I did 13,000 steps today. I was restless nine times during the night. My cardio fitness is between 43 and 47, which is very good for a man my age.’

‘Does it tell you your wife is about to clobber you if you don’t shut up?’

All that’s left to decide is who gets the dog!