The Teenager is not impressed by by my wild tales of being ‘cool’ in the 90’s

KIDS are fickle creatures. You’d think because you’ve carried them for 9 months, suffered the indignity of swollen ankles, piles and heartburn, endured paroxysms of agony to give birth to them that they would appreciate it beyond words and love you unconditionally. Not so. Never mind the fact that you put a roof over their heads, feed, clothe them and put up with their moods. That doesn’t even enter the equation.

At the moment it’s all about being cool. And in order to be cool apparently, you have to have cool parents. Myself and Himself do not meet the criteria, according to The Teenager. In fact he has described me as embarrassing and his father as boring.

Most of our conversations these days are about being cool. I have fabricated a few autobiographical details of my life before motherhood in an attempt to sound more cool but it hasn’t worked. I’m still lame. Apparently.

‘Who is the coolest band you’ve ever seen in concert?’ he asked me the other day. Straight away I said, ‘U2.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘ Simple Minds,’ I added. He asked me who they were. ‘ Take That!’ I then announced triumphantly. He started to laugh.

‘Cry Before Dawn! And not only have I seen them live but I was in their video!’ I told him proudly. Ha! How many of his friends parents could lay claim that. He told me I’d shown him the video before and it so wasn’t cool.

‘Have you ever been to a rave?’ was his next question. His friend Paddy’s parents had been to loads of raves. I told him I’d been to one once...by accident. ‘ How do you go to a rave by accident?’ he asked incredulously.

So it was a Tuesday night back in the mid 90’s and myself and my housemates went out for a few drinks. The only place open late was a bit of a dive so we went there. There was no queue at the bar and the pints were really cheap. We thought it was great. Then we noticed we were the only four people in the place drinking alcohol. Everyone else was drinking water.

‘At first we thought it might be an AA night but everyone seemed to be going around in a daze and dancing frantically and we didn’t think you’d be doing that at an AA meeting. Then we noticed a girl dealing in the corner and realised we were at a rave! So yes I have been to a rave!’

After he finished laughing he told me it didn’t count if I didn’t actually know I was at one. ‘ So I’m still not cool then?’ He smiled indulgently and said, ‘No mam. But you’re a bit mad so I suppose by default that does make you kind of cool.’

I’ll take that.

I HAVE FABRICATED A FEW DETAILS OF MY LIFE BEFORE MOTHERHOOD IN AN ATTEMPT TO SOUND MORE COOL BUT IT HASN’T WORKED