SINEAD WANTS TO SHINE A LIGHT...
DUNDALK singer/song writer Sinead McNally is opening up about the pain of multiple IVF treatments, miscarriage and childlessness with a new song which lifts the silence on the heartache experienced by many.
‘Voices torture me all that I dream is never to be/As I choke on the fear of the night/As I struggle to breathe I gather my hands and count every bead/ All is not calm, all is not bright/
This is my, this is my silent night,’ she sings with brutal honesty.
The single, which was released last Friday, is accompanied by a powerful new music video which shows her bursting baby shower balloons with the needles from her treatments.
‘I was just about to dispose of the needles after my fifth cycle failed but I decided to hold on to them. I knew I had to do something important with them, for me and for others going through the same experience,’ she explains.
Sinead, who enjoyed nationwide success with her children’s Christmas song ‘Nearly Christmas’ six years ago, admits that she was nervous about going public about her experience but wanted to raise awareness about the issue.
The Knockbridge native, who combines her passion for music with a career as a primary school teacher, got married four years ago.
Having experienced medical issues before, she was realistic that she might face difficulties when they decided to start a family, but she little knew the difficult journey they were embarking on. There were, she recalls ‘ lots of tests and proceedures’ and, over the course of three years, Sinead, who turned 40 this summer, underwent five failed rounds of IVF treatment, five cycles of waiting, hoping and ultimately disappointment.
‘Failed IVF cycles make you feel so inadequate and the needles were a symbol of all I had put myself through; physically, emotionally and financially,’ she explains. ‘I was determined to find a way to make a statement with them so that everything I had been through was not in vain.’
‘Going public with such a personal story will have its tough moments but being able to make something visually artistic out of a horrible situation
makes me feel like something good has come of it.’
Going through IVF treatment is enormously expensive as well as emotionally gruelling, which led to her taking a break from the music she loves.
However, she found that by not making music, she was losing her sense of self.
‘Music for me is a very big part of my identity and I realised that I had to get back into playing.’
And once she had made the decision to start writing songs again, she knew that she would have to document her own journey.
‘I would be dishonouring myself if I didn’t do that and would be ignoring a massive part of her life.’
She says that her husband and their two families have supported her in her decision to tell her story.
‘I am nervous about how people will respond, as it’s still very much a taboo subject, but I hope it will open up the conversation about something which a lot of people are going through.
‘We need people to ask what can be done to help. At the moment, there is nothing place in Ireland to support us; financial, emotional or otherwise, despite the government’s announcement in 2017 that they were drafting a Bill on assisted human reproduction. To me it’s absolutely crazy that there is no support for people like us.’
Aside from the huge financial cost involved for couples, she says that there is no psychological support, despite the trauma which the process can bring.
‘I would have to go back to work after discovering that I wasn’t pregnant and after all the rounds of treatment I went through, I was never offered even once counselling session.’
Sinead says that since posing about the song and the video, which was made by filmaker Zoe Kavanagh, on social media, a lot of women who have gone through IVF or experienced miscarriages and childlessness have reached out to her.
‘It’s a very lonely place to be in and the video gives me a chance to reach out to others in the hope we can do something good together.’
It is, she believes, the first time a music video has addressed the emptiness and despair of IVF, miscarriage and childlessness.
‘Hopefully this video and song will encourage society to talk about this more, give women the chance to say ‘ we need help’. There is nothing in place in Ireland right now, financial, emotional or otherwise. Just us couples throwing thousands of Euro at clinics with no aftercare when it doesn’t work.’
Despite being a heavy hearted subject, Sinead says ‘ this project is intended to shine a light on more people like me and maybe even start conversations that will help us get out of the darkness.’
FAILED IVF CYCLES MAKE YOU FEEL SO INADEQUATE