Knowing where you stand is the key to standing up for yourself
DO you find it hard to say ‘no’, even if saying ‘yes’ places you in a difficult situation? If you do say no to others, do you feel guilty afterwards? Do you often do things for others because you feel that you ‘should’, or because you fear that you may be disliked or rejected for refusing?
How good are you at giving and receiving criticism? What about speaking up in front of a group? Are you uncomfortable at telling people how you feel or asking for help?
Sounds like you? Perhaps you need a spoonful of assertiveness!
Interestingly assertiveness is still commonly confused in our world today. I see so many people who set out to improve their assertiveness skills and very quickly become aggressive communicators. Aggressive tendencies may appear to be assertive but bubbling underneath is a person who is determined to get what they want at the expense of everyone else. Assertiveness on the other hand is about asking or stating what you want (with an awareness that you might not be successful) whilst acknowledging and respecting the needs and rights of others.
Going about developing our assertiveness is something that many of us have probably thought about doing but never really fully understood its true meaning and so remain unsure about how to develop it. Building assertiveness happens from the inside out and begins with self-awareness. It is important to first get clear on your current approach. Are you predominantly aggressive in an attempt to be heard more often or to get your point across? Is being right more important to you than doing what is right in that situation? Perhaps you lean more towards a passive style rarely expressing your true thoughts and feelings resulting in you feeling bitter, resentful or angry with yourself ?
How assertive we are as adults is largely determined by our beliefs which stem from all our personal experiences, successes and failures. For example a person with low assertiveness may deeply believe that it is wrong to make mistakes or are too hooked up with the need to be liked and approved of. On the other hand there are those who act aggressively. People who lean towards this behaviour often think that they will not be taken seriously unless they act in this manner or they fear they might look like a pushover or unimportant. As a result they sometimes act in ways that are dishonest, inappropriate and disrespectful.
Many people are not sure about how they should behave in a particular situation because they are unsure of their ‘rights’. Rights stem from your beliefs and if your beliefs are distorted or outdated, you must learn to examine them, challenge them and reframe them so that they support you in your journey through life. Exploring your beliefs is the foundation for understanding your rights and ultimately developing your assertiveness. To not take control and continue to remain passive or aggressive will eventually result in feelings of resentment, bitterness, guilt and damaged relationships with yourself and those around you.
“The practice of assertiveness is being authentic in our dealings with others; refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid disapproval; the willingness to stand up for ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate contexts”. Nathaniel Branden