The Smart money’s on the For Two

A groovy interior. Steering that turns on a sixpence. And whether its supersmooth roll-top roof is up or down, this clever new cabriolet is...

Another week of Royal Ascot racing has thankfully come and gone for those of us who live within a mile of the celebrated race course. I couldn’t be happier for all those who revelled and had a right old shindig, my wife and her mates included on Ladies Day, but I am even happier to have access to our own drive back again for the next 51 weeks and two days.

That said, this was my first RA as a fully paid-up member of the motorcycle fraternity. A fact that made the whole thing heaps more bearable than previous years, because of the untold joy of being able to carve my way through mile upon mile of bumper-to-bumper stationary race-goers on the way back home from my BBC Radio 2 job every day last week.

Ironic, don’t you think, that 300,000 people are happy to sit for hours not moving, in the inventions that were proclaimed as the revolutionary replacement for the very creatures they are queuing up to go and see?

And of all the crazy, selfish, superfluous vehicles in the world, is there any more hideous, over-the-top and wasteful than the novelty stretch limousine? Answer: absolutely, yes there is. How about the common or garden plain old motor car? Because at least limousines often have a full payload of passengers, whereas four and five-seater cars are usually occupied by a single person thinking: ‘Why the heck did I bother forking out a load of dosh to be sitting here all on my lonesome?’ Insane. A huge big tin box for one, with four seats going spare most every moment of every day.

Which is why this week’s test car, the Smart Fortwo (and other two-seaters from its gene pool) make so much more sense. Seeing as most of our cars for most of the time might as well be single-seaters, its two seats are already a potential unnecessary luxury.

Another ‘smart’ thing about this Smart is the super-smooth, super-quick, electric roll-top convertible roof – or cabriolet to be more precise. In most convertibles you get blown all over the place, to the point where the roof stays up far more than it comes down. But in a car with a roll-top roof you get all the fresh air and enhanced panorama without all the messed-up hair and diminished fashion disasterama. Once the roof is fully open, the Smart has a bit of a beach buggy feel about it. To the coast and beyond!

What a wonderful space the cockpit is to be in. It’s a bit like a really well thought-out, transatlantic, business-class seat. The potentially incongruous mix of shapes of the various in-car necessities and accessories shouldn’t work but somehow does. The seats are also massive compared to the car’s vital statistics, but that’s probably because the design eggheads only had the one pair of perches to worry about in the first place.

It just all makes such sense, but in a higgledy-piggledy, interesting kind of way. Funky and bijou at the same time, like a trendy New York boutique hotel. The cabin’s equipment includes all the usual modern-day must-have in-car mod cons with, everything to hand, easy to use and top-drawer quality. The climate control cluster is especially groovy, a cross between an old valve radio tuner and those counterbalance scales that take forever to announce the bad news. Close Encounters-style red neon lights illuminate fan speeds and air direction with showbiz pizzazz. The car’s touchscreen is as good as you’d expect to find on a larger luxury car. But much more colourful and appealing than the all-too-grown-up, grey-before-their-time that car designers often choose. As for the audio system, bring on the soundtrack of the summer and crank it up to the max – it’s top notch. At no point does its sound hint that you may be sitting in a plastic box, which you more or less are.

Fire up the 898cc three-cylinder engine, and it runs a wee bit rough until it’s had a bit of a gargle and cleared its throat, after which things become much more rhythmical and far less phlegmy. There are two drivers’ modes: eco and sport. I’d forget sport. I mean, totally forget it. All it does is hold the revs higher prior to the next gear change. More jumpy and less economical. What’s the point?

With its ultra-short wheelbase (my son’s Hot Wheels cars have a longer chassis), it handles like it’s on rails, something you instantly sense from the accentuated back-andforth motion each time you brake or accelerate. A wee bit rocking horse at first but you soon get used to it.

The six-speed transmission, on the other hand, is faultless, up and down the box like a yo-yo on speed. And now the most impressive thing. Be prepared for the turning circle. It’s amazing, joyous – a revelation! Three-point turn? Forget it. Just one whip of the steering wheel port or starboard and round she goes. Like a kitten with a ball of wool, it

IT’S FUNKY AND BIJOU, LIKE A HIP NEW YORK BOUTIQUE HOTEL

turns on a sixpence. A perfect town car then, and on the open road it’s no slouch either, topping out at 153kph and hitting 100kph in 11.7 seconds.

Wouldn’t like to get into a fight with much more than a bumblebee, though. Although I’m sure Mercedes, which makes this intriguing little vehicle, has ensured it has a lot more in common with a tank than a tin can.

And make no mistake, the Smart gives you plenty of bang for your buck when filling up. Mainly down to the fact it weighs next to nothing. Which also gives it genuine pocket rocket status. Okay, in profile it looks like it’s had a shunt front and rear with the Hoover Dam. But if anything, I think it’s look only adds to its cuteness.

And yes, £16k does seem a lot of money for a diddy car. But diddy cars are the way forward. Unless you go one better and hop on a scooter. The cars most of us drive on a daily basis are the equivalent of wearing a deepsea diver’s suit to go rock pooling.

But as I said before, we’re all insane in one regard or another. Well that’s my excuse anyway.