Self-driving car you’ll fall in love with

The new Tesla is so fast and so advanced that our petrolhead did the unthinkable... fell in love with a self-driving electric car

It’s a half marathon for us today. Me, my wife, the radio team and a few pals – along with several thousand others – are all set to go come 10 o’clock this morning. We face a bit of a killer hill for the first mile. I never know whether to attack it (as if I could!) or just use it as a gentle walking warmup and save my legs for the next 12.1 miles. What I’ll probably end up doing is something in between the two, aka dad-dancing in Lycra.

One thing is for sure, I am the human opposite of the new Tesla. To say this car is quick off the line would be like saying Usain Bolt might have a chance of beating my 91-year-old mum in a race for the bus. It is brain-rearrangingly fast, to the extent that I could feel all my internal fluids pressing against the back of my skull and central nervous system begging to be let out. The acceleration is mind-blowing. The only thing I’ve driven that felt at all similar is the Bugatti Veyron. Not even LaFerrari’s power comes close to feeling as instantaneous. All 100% of it backed up and waiting to go. Like one of those insane theme park rides where a huge weight is dropped to catapult the cars forward. Man alive! It has to be felt to be believed.

The Model S P90D is a missile with number plates. The first thing I recall of any note while driving it was at 5am on my commute to work. A biker pulled up alongside me at the traffic lights and gave me that look, the one that says: ‘These two wheels cost a fraction of what you forked out for that fancy chariot, Buster, but you just watch me leave you for dead when that red light goes out.’ I can only apologise to him for what happened next – I was gone before he had the chance to let his clutch out.

I can confirm, therefore, that there is heaps of fun to be had with his vehicle, but its genius goes much deeper than that. The interior makes other cars look like chaotic student digs in comparison. Think Bang & Olufsen hi-fi compared to a barrel organ, or the Apple Watch compared to a sundial. Everything is controlled via a gigantic touchscreen and series upon series of easy-to-navigate drop-down menus, from the location of Tesla supercharging points to your favourite radio stations, to opening the panoramic sunroof with the gentle stroke of a finger. It all makes so much sense and it’s all so pleasurable.

I really didn’t want to like this ‘new way’ but I ended up loving it. And it must be the future for all cars, surely. Bye-bye clutter, so long all you cumbersome buttons, switches and sticky-out dials.

Tesla has also improved other aspects of the design, such as the subtlety of the door-pulls, which are ever more sculpted into the door itself. It has also become a master of illusion, increasing storage space yet making it more invisible than before. All impressively considered. As are the X-ray-style graphics on the dash that display the car’s systems, lending the Model S a personality of super-being from the future as opposed to a descendant of that snorting, sweating, bronchitic old-fashioned thing we refer to as the motor car.

This creation just knows things. It knows when you’re approaching because it turns itself on, unlocks the doors and presents the door handles for you to pull. It knows that less is more when a blearyeyed driver wants to get going first thing in be morning so has done away with the need for any off/on procedure – merely select drive and you’re away. Once over 80kph, with Auto Pilot mode selected, it knows how to steer, accelerate and brake for you. It even knows how to change lanes on the motorway – all the driver has to do is indicate left or right and the Tesla does the rest. It even knows if you have taken your hands off the wheel for a bit too long, politely requesting that you remedy the situation pronto. Oh, and it parks itself. Of course!

I loved this new, semi-autonomous driving experience, finding myself becoming worryingly addicted. I did have the odd hairy moment during my 110-kilometre commute, though, when I tried to reclaim control and it felt like the computer was reluctant to let go and we were temporarily grappling for supremacy.

That said, it even knows how to please my wife – she was most appreciative of the Model S’s ‘electronicity’ and its accompanying silence. Far preferable to the usual early-morning wake-up growl and gurgle she

and the kids usually have to suffer upon my departure.

But it was the driver-assist features, this time around town, which were the biggest revelation to me. I’d read the spiel about how it takes the stress out of city motoring but I just didn’t buy it. But it is 100% true, because I was no longer part of the decisionmaking process. I felt the weight of responsibility disappear from my shoulders. For the first time in my life in major rush-hour traffic, I actually felt relaxed – a genuine epiphany.

Tesla’s philosophy goes against all my instincts as a car lover. Or at least it did, but not any more. I would be a liar if I said this car didn’t blow me away. It’s sleek. It’s powerful. It’s extremely cheap to run (albeit expensive to buy). It’s environmentally friendly. It’s allwheel-drive. It turns heads wherever it goes. It is tomorrow today.

I have my beady eye on the Tesla Model X for Mrs E – its next model, with falcon-wing doors, due out next year. But when do I dive in? Now, or do I leave it until Tesla gets the range to more than 480 guaranteed kilometres, however fast you drive it, on a single charge?

Meanwhile, back to the half-marathon and a much more pressing issue. How about a guaranteed 13.1 miles anytime this side of sunset?