‘I won’t watch the new show – that’d be weird’

weird but that doesn’t mean you don’t want it to succeed. MEL And seven years is the longest we’ve ever been employed at anything. Normally we go in, we do a series and then that’s it, we’re axed! SUE When it started, Bake Off wasn’t a big hit. Respect to the people who said: ‘We’ll keep commissioning this and give it a chance.’ MEL It was very dry, nary a gag in sight. We tried to lighten it up a bit and I feel proud that we set the template. What are you going to miss most about doing the show? MEL It’s a nostalgic thing. I don’t think there will be any rancour or bitterness when it comes on, just a nostalgic twinge. Seven years of making puns about cobs, baps, meringues… we’d run out of puns. To be honest, we’d started to recycle some. Ruby Tandoh [2013 runner-up] called Paul Hollywood a ‘peacocking man-child’. How would you describe him? MEL An annoying older brother who punches you in the shoulder. SUE Constantly punching you and annoying you and winding you up. MEL Teasing. Boring you with stories of cars. SUE I’d say we’re quite different but we were a family and, as Mel said, he was the sort of brother you could take the mickey out of, who is permanently sat watching Formula 1. MEL We teased him mercilessly. SUE He always took the joke in good heart. Genuinely, we really do wish him the best. What would you say to Mary Berry if she wandered into the room right now? SUE We usually bundle her. A full Mel-Sue sandwich hug in which she is the most regal of fillings. You can pummel her around a bit, try and tickle her. She’s got really ticklish spots under the old wings. She likes a good old tickle. MEL She’d turn and say, ‘Oh, you fools!’ [Mel gets a text telling her that restaurateur and food writer Prue Leith looks certain to be confirmed as the new presenter of the show.]

I’m really glad it’s someone with her kudos and experience. It’s a very good choice. There were lots of names floating about – people with less experience than her. She’ll be great. What do you remember about when you first met? MEL It was in September 1988, the second Summer of Love… SUE Not for us… We have always been professionally platonic. I love this woman to death but the idea is so unsavoury. MEL Perks, you’re a fine filly yourself love, but it would just be like kissing your sister, wouldn’t it? SUE Almost worse. MEL Anyway, it was a smoke-filled basement at university where there was a try-out for new material. Then suddenly this little figure in a red jumper, black jeans and Doc Martens came on, fag in hand, and just did 10 minutes of very freewheeling, absolutely hilarious comedy. So I went up to her and said, in a rather patronising way: ‘Hello, I’m Melanie and you’re Susan. Would you like to work together?’ SUE No, I don’t think you said that. I think we were just chatting. We both got absolutely battered, obviously. I just remember this woman with a shock of blonde hair and the most todie-for dusty pink DMs. We played

‘I’ll be wandering around eating canapés with my trousers by my ankles’

for three years at university and it became clear that we could maybe try and work together. And we’re still trying to work together. We are the same. We’re old – the edifice has crumbled but the energy and the personalities are still as idiotic as they were 30 years ago. Have you ever really fallen out? MEL It was in the reception area of the old BBC TV Centre. She was late. I’m always ludicrously early/on time. I said hello then turned away and pulled a face. SUE It was one of the most fully realised acts of passive aggression. MEL I’m bad on passive aggression. I need to kick that into touch. SUE Mel pulled a face at me. I just went: ‘Can you stop being a d***?’ She went: ‘Okay.’ That was it, the only time in 30 years. I’m sorry, we should have a better story to end on.

Let’s Sing And Dance For Comic Relief starts on BBC1 on March 4 at 7pm