Hoaxes, tricks and sleights – it’s an April fool’s paradise

APPROPRIATELY enough in a week that ended with April Fool’s Day, the last seven days have been dominated by hoaxes, tricks and sleights of hand that would do any prankster proud. No cliché was left unharmed in Theresa May’s seven-page ‘Dear Europe’ letter. Her most quoted line of the week – ‘we are leaving the EU but not leaving Europe’, when you think of it, is absolutely meaningless. Britain cannot physically leave Europe. In another article, the UK Prime Minister referred to perfidious Albion – as ‘Europe’s closest friend and neighbour’ – but hey , I thought you would still be in Europe? With cries from the baying Tory backbenches that Theresa May would be welcomed back to the House ‘as a 21st Century Gloriana’ after giving the EU bureaucrats a bloody nose, it was no wonder that the latter-day Elizabeth I then went on to say she would ‘negotiate a good deal for every single person in the UK .’ Try telling that to Nicola Sturgeon and Michelle O’Neill, among others But Brexit is no joke for Ireland, currently operating, it would seem at times without a Government. This week saw another candidate for a post-Brexit move, Lloyds Insurance opt instead for Brussels following close on the heels of AIG insurance which plumped for Luxembourg instead of supporting the Dubs. Personal income-tax rates in the Duchy of Luxembourg are just over half what middle-income earners pay here. And no amount of huffing and puffing from Fine Gael pretenders to the throne is going to change that in the short term. Our high personal income-tax rates – which can only get higher as every charge is lumped onto the tax paying worker – mean that it is not only driving our young qualified professionals – nurses, doctors and engineers – abroad, it is deterring good companies from coming here. But the most worrying thing is that no one here seems to be worrying. Our Government is not passing any legislation. The opposition parties in the Dáil seem to spend more time outside the gates in Kildare Street waiting for the next protest bandwagon to roll up so they can jump on it and get themselves in the newspapers. Fine Gael are watching their backs – and the calendar – in 18 days time, Enda Kenny will become the longest-serving Fine Gael Taoiseach ever, just four days before his 66th birthday on the 101st anniversary of the Easter Rising. There won’t be a birthday candle to be got in Castlebar.

Meanwhile, while Fine Gael ministers are offloading political hot potatoes by the truckload, Shane Ross is under fire and left isolated for not intervening in the Bus Éireann dispute, while Fine Gael stalwart Michael Ring, Minister for Rural Affairs, delivered a hospital pass to Independent TD Denis Naughten when he gave him control of rural post offices. The Minister for Communications is now in charge of closing post offices.

Every time we turned on our radios and TVs this week, the fate of the Garda Commissioner was being decided on the whim of Fianna Fáil TDs –- I lost count of the number of times they changed their minds on this critical issue. Maybe I should ask Garda HQ to give me a figure, and then halve it. In the immortal words of Charles Lamb, ‘here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever’.

I HAVE one thing in common with the great Irish soccer captain Séamus Coleman. Next Sunday it will be eight years since I had to have my tibia and fibula broken after I was hit by a car. The Everton player suffered the same fate last week at the feet of a Welsh opponent. But he shouldn’t underestimate the long road to recovery. I recall the brilliant surgeon who operated on me on Easter Saturday 2009 telling me I would be back on the Bull Wall by Christmas. I forgot to ask him which Christmas. It was December 2010 before I was back to normal. I wish Séamus a speedier recovery.

SURELY one of the many lessons from the Garda breath test data scandal is that politicians should drop plans to give them even more powers – like automatically disqualifying a driver if they have consumed even a drop of alcohol. Let’s get gardaí back enforcing – reliably – the current laws before we hand them more to massage.