FIONA LOONEY

The grilling Juncker gave our politicians

It WAS the dinner party from hell. the smiles and handshakes as the guests left Downing Street might have initially suggested the encounter between theresa May and Jean-Claude Juncker had been cordial, but subsequent tasty crumbs dropped from the EU Commission’s table established it was anything but convivial. Rather, it was a tough, salty meal that Mrs May saw regurgitated all over the world’s media. Now further leaks from a well-oiled source close to the Commission has supplied details of a series of meals which, between hiccups, our man assures us took place between Juncker and a number of Irish politicians, with Brexit – and so much more besides – on the menu.

Restaurant: Le Marin Ivre, Brussels Guests: Jean Claude Juncker and Enda Kenny Menu: Boeuf bourguignon (M Juncker), bacon and cabbage (M Kenny)

KENNY: May I say, Mr President Sir, what an honour it is for me to spend this time with you. It’s a measure of the importance of the unique position Ireland holds.

JUNCKER: Who are you again?

KENNY: I am Enda Kenny, Taoiseach of Ireland. Father of the House, Teachta Dála for M...

JUNCKER: Who? KENNY: Kenny. The wiry little ginger fella usually in the back row of the photos stuck between a couple of the lads from countries that end in ‘ia’.

JUNCKER: Ah yes, I have you now. And you Irish, you are, how you say, stuck between a rock and a hard place with this Brexit crisis? KENNY: Well, I’ve been stuck between Noel Rock and a hard place a few times, but… JUNCKER: Garcon! Bring us more wine!

KENNY: Gosh! I haven’t even taken my anorak off yet. Anyway, did you get my text?

JUNCKER: Text? What text? KENNY: I like to call it the Kenny Text. It’s the text I sent about Northern Ireland remaining in the EU? If we can get a united Ireland. Actually, that might have come out as ‘untied Ireland’. The predictive text on my old Nokia isn’t up to scratch at all.

JUNCKER: I never got any text – but then, I think my people probably blocked your number after they saw your dad-dancing at the Bruce Springsteen concert.

KENNY: Oh yes. That. Anyway, Mr President Sir, yes Sir, I hope I can rely on you and our other EU allies to protect Ireland’s interests in this Brexit business?

JUNCKER: I can’t promise anything. The trouble with Mrs May is, she is living in another galaxy. KENNY: I’m glad you brought that up. Do you mean like in Star Wars? JUNCKER: What? KENNY: A galaxy far far away. Because that’s actually in Kerry, you know. Which is why we really should get special treatment. Even though they’ve won Sam millions of times and sure, we haven’t won it in 66 years, but of course that’s because there’s a curse on us. A piseog. JUNCKER: Mon Dieu, garcon! Hurry with that wine! KENNY: Are you all right, Sir? JUNCKER: I need to get piseog-ed!

★★★★★ Restaurant: Le Triton Ivre, Brussels Guests: Jean Claude Juncker, Paschal Donohoe Menu: Roast ortolan (M Juncker); humble pie (M Donohoe)

Mr President Sir, is that in Ireland, we’re a tiny bit concerned that we’re going to get flushed down the pan along with the Brits in this Brexit business. Most of our exports go to the UK and then there is the question of a soft border, and… JUNCKER: Garcon! Bring me a soft Bordeaux! Actually, bring me two! And make it quick! DONOHOE: Bordeaux? That’s very kind of you, Monsieur Juncker, but – JUNCKER: The wine is not for DONOHOE: Thank you very much you! for inviting me to lunch, Sir. JUNCKER: I didn’t. And I’m fairly sure you’re sitting at the wrong table.

DONOHOE: I apologise profusely for my error, Sir, and thank you very much for pointing it out. But while I have your ear…

JUNCKER: You can’t have my ear. These starter portions are tres petit. Get your own.

DONOHOE: What I mean to say,

DONOGHUE: My mistake. Before I go, can you give me your undertaking that Ireland’s special situation will be taken into account, and… JUNCKER: And I thought Mrs May was deluded! DONOHOE: Thank you for drooling on me, Sir.

★★★★★ Restaurant: Le Bon Vivant Guests: Jean Claude Juncker, Leo Varadkar Menu: Foie gras (M Juncker); avocado smash (M Varadkar)

VARADKAR: Obviously, I could conduct this meeting in French, but for the sake of the tape, I’ll speak English.

JUNCKER: Ah vous avez le Francais courant?

VARADKAR: Eh, la plume de ma tante. Anyway, whatevs. So you’re probably wondering why I invited you here?

JUNCKER: Did you? I didn’t get that. Actually, I just happened to be passing and I needed a top-up. Garcon! Bring me cognac!

VARADKAR: Excellent choice, Sir. And speaking of excellent choices, no doubt you’ve heard that I’m hoping to replace Kenny as Taoiseach? JUNCKER: Who? What? VARADKAR: The wiry little ginger fella in the back row? Prime Minister of Ireland? JUNCKER: Oh yes, him. He sent me a message on my phone. If you look at it upside down it says Esso. And you want his job? VARADKAR: I’m not sure I’d put it quite like that. JUNCKER: And how would you put it, my handsome friend? VARADKAR: I want his… position. His post. His office. His suits. Actually, maybe not his suits. And during these difficult Brexit negotiations, I wanted to ask you if you could see your way to making a special case for… JUNCKER: Merde! All week I have been listening to your people asking for special deal for Ireland. All Ireland this, and hard border that?

VARADKAR: A special case for Ireland? Oh no. I don’t care about that. No, I just want to pin down your support for me. Little old moi. Hashtag Leo for Leader.

★★★★★ Restaurant: Le Nazi Beau-Pere Guests: Jean Claude Juncker, Simon Coveney Menu: Coq au vin (M Juncker); Margherita pizza (M Coveney)

JUNCKER: Garcon! Bring me more wine. My dinner guest, he is late.

COVENEY: Eh, I’m right here, Monsieur Juncker.

JUNCKER: Who said that?

COVENEY: Eh, me… here? Maybe if I don’t sit with my back to the window… you might be able to see me then.

JUNCKER: I doubt it. Usually I see everything double, but with you, I can barely see a single version of you. Most étrange.

COVENEY: Anyway, I wanted to ask you about Brexit and about making a special case for Ireland in the…

JUNCKER: This again. I’ll tell you what I told that bloody difficult woman… COVENEY: Frances Fitzgerald? JUNCKER: No… she hasn’t been in yet. Mon Dieu, how many more of you are there? I mean that other woman, Madame May… this is an extremely complex issue. Look at this. At this stage, President Juncker produced a 1,000 page document on free trade negotiations with Canada from his bag. COVENEY: Ah, yes, Canada. The Taoiseach made good progress there. JUNCKER: What are you talking about? Wait – is that not the menu? COVENEY: Anyway, unlike Mrs May, we don’t underestimate the complexity of… JUNCKER: The woman is deluded. She thinks the purpose of a screw top is to keep wine fresh in the bottle overnight. Why on Earth would anyone ever want to do that? I tell you, my little invisible friend, I was 10 times more sceptical leaving Downing Street that night than I was arriving for dinner. And only six times drunker.

COVENEY: Well, if you could just consider… Sir? Sir?

At this point President Juncker appeared to have fallen asleep in his plate.

★★★★★ Restaurant: RoyaumeUni Nil Points Guests: Jean Claude Juncker, Frances Fitzgerald Menu: Truffles in gold leaf filo pastry (both guests)

FITZGERALD: Givenchy, Yves Saint Laurent, Dior… JUNCKER: Oui, oui Madame…

FITZGERALD: No, I’m fine. I went before I arrived.

JUNCKER: What I mean, ma petit choux, is that I do not understand what all these fine fashion houses have to do with Ireland.

FITZGERALD: Oh dear me, nothing. One was simply running through one’s shopping list for the day. Now, about dear old Eire. It would be absolutely top notch if you were to give special consideration to our rather unique position, as it were. This bally Brexit business has the natives most rattled. They really are shivering in their britches. Is that Dom Perignon?

JUNCKER: Most certainment, Madame. Would you like a glass? I don’t bother with them myself…

FITZGERALD: So if you could see your way…

JUNCKER: It is complicated, Madame. There are many considerations we must take on board. You know, you are not the only small island geographically located on the wrong side of Britain and almost entirely dependent on it economically. FITZGERALD: Actually, we are… JUNCKER: What about Hogwart’s?

FITZGERALD: No. Not an island. Not even a real place. It’s fiction. JUNCKER: Is it really? Like Galway! I have seen the Ed Sheeran video. Is just fantasy. FITZGERALD: Eh, no. Galway’s real. Or so I’m told.

★★★★★ Restaurant: Le Cul De Sac Guests: Michael Noonan, Jean Claude Juncker Menu: Mate (M Noonan)

JUNCKER: Monsieur Noonan, thank you for your kind dinner invitation. NOONAN: Normally I dine alone, but I decided to make an exception for you. This Brexit business is spoiling my dinner anyway. JUNCKER: I’ll just take a moment to look at the menu. NOONAN: Don’t bother your barney. You won’t be staying long. And I don’t like watching other people eat.

JUNCKER: You have a bit of… just there on your chin…?

NOONAN: That’s just the way I like it. Now listen here Junk, we’ve played ball with you and your messieurs for long enough; it’s time you hit a few of those balls back over the net. We want special status because of our unique position.

JUNCKER: I have already told your Taoiseach that a united Ireland can be wholly in the EU.

NOONAN: Now you listen to me, Bucko. That’s the last thing we want. It’s bad enough with the gang of Shinners we’ve to deal with down south, but if we get another load of them coming down – to say nothing about the other lot as well… and most of them don’t even drink you know. JUNCKER: Mon Dieu, it is a scandal! Let me see what I can do, Monsieur Noonan. NOONAN: Good man. And can you go and sit somewhere else while you do it And Garcon, could you chew this mate for me? It’s fierce gristly.

Restaurant: Sans Gluten Guests: Jean Claude Juncker, Míchéal Martin Menu: Kobe steak (M Juncker); kale smoothie (M Martin)

MARTIN: So to sum up, President Juncker, Ireland finds itself in a disadvantaged position, both geographically and economically, vis-a-vis the Brexit situation. And, therefore, in negotiating the overall exit strategy, if you could…

JUNCKER: I am sorry, Monsieur Martin. Remind me again what position you hold in the government. Minister for…?

MARTIN: Oh no, I’m not a Minister. You know, all that wine and cognac is very bad for you, incidentally. You’d be better off sticking to green tea. No, I’m the leader of the biggest opposition party.

JUNCKER: Forgive me, but then why are you here? If you don’t have an actual pivotal role in running the country?

MARTIN: Ah… Like I say. Stick to the green tea. It might sharpen your insight.