SMOKES & DAGGERS

A mischievous mix of (mostly) news

FINE Gael TDs and senators have reacted with unease to the appointment of Alan Holmes, a Dublin Bay South apparatchik, as the party’s new director of policy. Holmes, who is close to Eoghan Murphy, is the latest of a growing retinue of advisers that surrounds the Taoiseach. There was amazement recently that he turned up at a parliamentary party meeting, a breach of protocol. A party source grumbles: ‘Leo’s choirboys are really in charge now.’ MATTIE McGRATH slipped up at the abortion committee hearing. Mattie, pictured, said he had carefully listened to the presentation of Christina Zampas, then asked a question. The only problem was that Ms Zampas, a human rights expert, had yet to speak. HEADLINE of the week goes to the Longford Leader: ‘Longford man “too full of chicken” to give statement.’ The story was about a man who pleaded guilty to stealing €30 of groceries which included five chicken fillets, a chicken goujon, five BBQ chicken wings and a four-pack of Red Bull. WE HAD to laugh at Liam Gallagher’s report of his recent interaction with Beatle Paul McCartney. McCartney asked him if he liked margaritas, to which the ex-Oasis frontman replied: ‘Yeah, but I had something before I came out, I don’t eat at this time of night.’ ‘They’re drinks, you stupid p **** ,’ came the reply. A GREAT stocking filler for any hurling fans would be Jackie Tyrrell’s autobiography, The Warrior’s Code, written by Christy O’Connor. A character writ large in the Kilkenny man’s memoir is his teammate, Tommy Walsh. Although Tommy, pictured, hurls with Tullaroan, he lives in Ballycallan. Tyrell quotes Walsh’s explanation of this anomaly: ‘Me father told me that when they were building the house at home, they built the main part of the house in Tullaroan but they built the toilet in Ballycallan. So we eat and sleep in Tullaroan. ‘But we go to the jacks in Ballycallan.’