I’m tipping Theresa the magic Maybot to win Strictly!
What does our celebrity soothsayer predict will happen in 2018?
Trump’s triumph, Theresa May’s election meltdown, the crazy rise (and precipitous fall?) of Bitcoin... who on earth could have predicted the turmoil of 2017? Our own ‘Mystic’ Morgan, that’s who. So join the man who told the world Trump would win and Harry would marry Meghan as he gazes into his crystal ball to see what 2018 has in store...
JANUARY
The year starts with a bang at the Golden Globes in Hollywood as actress after actress launch impassioned attacks on Donald Trump from the awards podium.
‘It’s absolutely sickening that we still have a sexual predator in the White House,’ rages Meryl Streep. ‘No woman is safe with that man in charge,’ agrees Kate Winslet.
The pair then announce they are to co-star in a biopic movie about the ‘much misunderstood’ Harvey Weinstein, produced by ‘that adorable man’ Woody Allen and directed by the ‘cruelly mistreated’ Roman Polanski.
Trump responds by announcing an ‘immediate and total shutdown on all liberal celebrities entering or residing in the United States’. He explains: ‘These luvvies’ incessant hysterical and hypocritical whining about me represents a clear and present threat to the eardrums of ordinary American people.’
Bitcoin soars to a value of €20,000, despite nobody having a clue what it actually is or how it works.
FEBRUARY
President Trump’s flying two-day visit to Britain is met with the biggest protest march the country has ever seen. One protester, who, like the two million others on the march, didn’t protest against previous state visits by Vladimir Putin, Bashar alAssad and Robert Mugabe, explains: ‘Trump is far worse than that lot. He has an orange face, for starters – and have you seen his tweets? It’s worse then genocide.’
MARCH
At the Oscars, in a dramatic escalation of the #metoo campaign, all men are banned and every winner is a woman, even in the male-only categories. But Angelina Jolie throws a sensational spanner in the sisterhood works when she wins Best Actress and suddenly declares: ‘I’m now identifying as nonbinary, gender-neutral, so cannot accept this award. In fact, I am deeply offended that you have even given it me.’ Vladimir Putin is re-elected as Russia’s president for a fourth term, with a 97% majority. The 3% are rounded up and taken to gulags. Hillary Clinton takes to Twitter to vent her wrath: ‘The Russians colluded with Trump to fix their own election! It’s so unfair, I should be Russian president!’ When asked why, she snaps: ‘Because I’m a woman! Duh!’
APRIL
Kate Middleton gives birth to a boy and, taking a leaf from the Beckhams, she and Prince William name him Balmoral Barn. Donald Trump is suspended from Twitter after declaring war on North Korea, but then announcing it was an April Fool. ‘Everyone’s so politically correct – they’ve forgotten how to enjoy a good joke,’ he says, as Seoul fends off a fusillade of 1,000 rockets from the North. Theresa May accuses EU chief Jean-Claude Juncker of behaving ‘inappropriately’ at the end of a long trade negotiation lunch in Brussels. ‘He said he’d like to screw the whole of Britain,’ she says. Juncker blames translation issues for a ‘terrible misunderstanding’. He says: ‘I told the UK prime minister that I’d like to screw Britain into the ground.’
MAY
Manchester City win the Premier League, FA Cup and Champions League. The club’s owner, Abu Dhabi’s Sheikh Mansour, is so thrilled that he gives the entire squad a bonus of a million barrels of oil. Labour clean up in the UK local elections and Jeremy Corbyn announces: ‘I’m ready to lead the country.’ Astonishingly, this statement is taken entirely seriously.
JUNE
As the World Cup begins, England captain Harry Kane says: ‘We’ve got the potential to go all the way.’ England promptly lose all three group matches, Kane is arrested after a brawl in a Moscow nightclub and goes all the way to jail. Manager Gareth Southgate is sacked.
Brexit rows finally tear the Conservative Party apart and Theresa May is ousted in a coup led by Chancellor Philip Hammond, arch Remainer and ‘Brexit so soft you’ll barely feel it’ campaigner.
JULY
The British Government’s coalition with the DUP collapses in the wake of May’s departure, sparking a general election. Jeremy Corbyn has one single policy: promising every student in Britain a free Bitcoin (now worth €35,000) if they vote for him. ‘Vote Corbyn and Bitcoin it in!’ is his mantra at a series of massive rallies. It drives him to a thumping victory.
AUGUST
It rains in Britain and Ireland for only 28 days, causing massive panic. ‘When it’s sunny for three days in August, it’s time to accept that global warming has moved to global meltdown,’ says the new British PM Mr Corbyn.
SEPTEMBER
Simon Cowell announces he is going to compete in I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! ‘I’ve spent my entire career surrounded by snakes and creepy crawlies, so this holds no fear,’ he tells the press.
OCTOBER
The UK and EU agree a Brexit trade deal that allows full access to the single market and customs union in exchange for £350m a week, free movement of people and European courts being able to tell the UK what to do. Everyone is so bored of it all, they neither notice nor care that they are the same conditions which drove the anti-EU vote back in 2016.
Susanna Reid finally snaps and attacks me live on Good Morning Britain, pounding me with her fists until I’m rendered a bloodied pulp on the studio floor. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she tells viewers. ‘I’ll get my coat.’ ‘Stay where you are,’ commands ITV’s new female boss. ‘The only thing you’re getting is a pay rise.’
NOVEMBER
Bitcoin’s value rockets to €100,000 and students begin arriving at lectures in Ferraris leveraged on the back of their government gift.
DECEMBER
Simon Cowell is the first person to be voted off I’m A Celebrity after point-blank refusing to do a challenge unless his butler is flown in to help him.
Bitcoin collapses to be worth less than a penny. Everyone who invested loses all their money.
A reinvigorated Theresa May, partnered by Anton Du Beke, wins Strictly Come Dancing with a stunning ‘Maybot’ performance in the final. ‘You were so strong and stable,’ sighs an admiring Craig Revel Horwood. A euphoric Bruno Tonioli tells her: ‘That was a bloody difficult dance but you’re a bloody difficult woman and you nailed it!’