That inking feeling
Hunter Davies was all set for a luxury cruise with fine dining and fantastic stops... then his pen exploded
Isaid I would never go on a cruise again, or at least not until I was really old which, blow me, I am now. So despite having reservations (see panel below), I thought I’d give it another chance.
It was with Oceania Cruises on a ship called Riviera, which is noted for its great food, and holding 1,250 passengers and 800 staff.
If you had never been on a cruise before, your first impression would be: ‘Wow! What a whopper – I wouldn’t like to see that parked in our street.’
I was boarding the ship at Livorno in Italy, but on the Ryanair flight to Pisa, I had a bit of a disaster. I had my pen around my neck – my best Hi-tecpoint rollerball, not cheap. I always have a pen around my neck on string, in case someone says something amusing, informative, wise or really stupid, so I can lift it and use it in a column somewhere.
The plane zoomed up in the usual way, the air pressure became intense, my ears popped and then my pen exploded all over my suit. Yes, I was wearing a suit, a rather natty, lightweight one from Marks & Spencer, bought only 20 years ago. I was told that on the Riviera, not only would the food be fab but we had to look smart for dinner.
Not a good start. I wondered if I could sue Ryanair for… well, I’m not sure what. But it meant that for the four days on board I had to keep my hands over my groin to cover two huge ink blobs.
As usual on a cruise, I spent the first two days getting lost. With 15 decks and corridors the length of Wembley all looking much the same, I could never remember my deck, which way to turn out of the lift, or the number of my cabin; correction – luxurious veranda suite. Cruise liners do have poncey titles these days. On Riviera all the suites have verandas, which is a huge plus.
As ever, about the best fun on a cruise is waking up as you sail into a new place – looking at the new harbour, new city, wondering how you got there.
Over four days, we visited Italy – with a chance to explore Pisa and Florence – Monaco, Marseilles and Barcelona. I visited Monte Carlo on foot, getting up to the old town, which I had never been to before, reaching the Palace and gaping at the Changing of the Guard.
For some reason, in a square nearby, there was a large Yellow Submarine, so naturally I posed in front of it for a snap.
In Marseilles I went on one of the ship’s organised excursions, just 45 minutes on a coach, to Aixen-Provence. I’d never been there before either and it was stunning.
We old cruising hands know from experience that you don’t have to join an organised excursion. You can just walk into town, or use the ship’s little boat, then get a taxi, or the ship’s shuttle bus if they have one, and explore on your own.
It’s far better than being herded around with a bossy-boots holding up a flag and spouting nonsense, half of which you can’t hear and the other half you can’t understand.
Another nice thing about cruising is sailing off again into the sunset, while you have your cocktails or stuff your face.
The food was excellent, so the boast by Oceania was correct, but the downside was that there were lots of regulars aboard who had booked up the best restaurants.
I did manage once to get in to Toscana, but failed totally to get into Jacques, the other place I really fancied.
The cruise entertainment was a good laugh, like 1950s Butlin’s. The crooners and young dancers were energetic and wholesome, never rude. And I should think not. We oldies don’t like rude. E ACH evening we had a show presenting music and culture from all over the world, which was slick and entertaining. The cruise director was a young Australian called Edward Garth. Like all cruise directors, he was smiley and affable with good teeth.
He turned out to be a classically trained singer, having been at the Royal Academy of Music in London. Usually, they are ex-crooners or dancers.
Riviera is pretty high-class, though apparently it is not technically five-star. It just calls itself a luxury cruise. It was better value and just as good as some of the five-star cruises I have been on.
One advantage of being on a big ship was that the pool was a decent size, not like some which have titchy ones. So I enjoyed it and had only one complaint – the awful piped music which was too loud. Would I go again? Yes, when I get really, really, really old…