It might sound strange... but life’s still good
IT OFTEN surprises people when I say that I have Alzheimer’s but that life is good. Three years ago, when I first started writing about having the A Word — that’s what call Alzheimer’s — I quoted a song by my beloved Ian Dury. I had many reasons to be cheerful, I said.
I was 66 at the time. I know I’m not going to get better, and there isn’t a cure — that’s the thing about this illness. And overall, I’d really rather not have it.
Has it changed me? Of course it has. It’s frustrating — imagine walking into a room and thinking: ‘Now, why did I come in here?’ Most people do it occasionally. Now multiply that by many times every day and you get an idea about what life is like for me.
It is virtually impossible to store or absorb any information, and this is something which is extremely trying.
It’s also changed life for everyone around me — my husband, Chris, who has to listen to me asking him the same questions over and over, and our daughters Suzy and Hannah, who are now in their 30s.
But one of the biggest differences others have noticed in me is that I’m no longer an anxious person. I used to be one of life’s worriers. Even as a girl, my mum used to tell me: ‘Don’t be such a worrywart.’ I still have no idea what that actually means. But she said it, so there it is.
Once I had children of my own, I would worry endlessly about what trouble they were getting into. And I was obsessive about my work as a journalist for magazines and newspapers.
I slept terribly. I would frequently lie awake, with thoughts whirring around my head.
I kept a pad by the bed, as I often felt I needed to write things down on paper in order to end the endless rumination.
I was told I had ‘probable Alzheimer’s’ in late 2017. However, I’d been suffering symptoms for a few years by then. It began with me noticing that my memory wasn’t as sharp as it was. My anxiety also started to get in the way of work. After a while, it seemed more and more obvious that my memory, not the anxiety, was the problem.
As I said, I’d dearly love not to have this illness. But thinking back to my anxious self, it does seem like a lifetime ago. I wouldn’t say it’s an upside to dementia because I don’t think there is one. Yet life is good.
I’ve just come back from a lovely trip to see my eldest daughter Hannah and her partner. Chris and I are making plans for a holiday to Vietnam, which I’m excited about.
I feel optimistic. I’m not worried about anything really. I suppose it’s true what they say: every cloud has a silver lining.