EMMERDALE

The song tells people to ‘Have yourselves a merry little Christmas’; we’re also told, ‘It’s the most wonderful time of the year.’ In soapland, ‘merry’ is anathema, and there’s more ‘wonder’ in a leftover turkey on 1 January.

As usual, East-Enders delivered the most miserable time with the Sharon/Phil/Keanu storyline coming to a head and Linda ending up in hospital (anything for a break from Mick is welcome). We weren’t even spared hyena Kim, who appeared via video phone.

Dashing any hopes of a silent night, Corrie gave us the most exciting day with a shoot-out (it was hardly Gunfight At The OK Corral); it gave us the most romantic when Adam proposed to Sarah, and the saddest, when Michelle said farewell to the cobbles that have drowned many of her tears.

It was left to Emmerdale to bring us the most Christmassy when Jacob found an abandoned baby on the doorstep. Talk about ruining your appetite. There wasn’t much eating done at Home Farm, either, when the meal was interrupted by a sinister Graham.

And so it is farewell to another Christmas – with bells on.

■ LABOUR OF LOVE

There are babies galore in the Dales, after David took in an abandoned one (inset) last week. Now, the first day of the decade brings more new life after Victoria goes into labour. Despite the horrific circumstances of the conception, she instantly falls in love with the baby (pictured), but Diane worries what lies in store for her with Wendy. I’d have thought her biggest worry was getting to the salon to have those roots touched up.

The year starts encouragingly for Leyla and Liam when he helps out with manicures at the children’s spa party. Leyla is impressed by him – will they give in to their passion? Hmm. Spa treatments are all well and good, but I’d test him on putting together an IKEA sofa-bed before committing. Actually, I’d test whether he can read the instructions before he even begins construction.

There’s a new bishop coming to town and there’s nothing the village likes more than a troublesome cleric laying down religious law on who they can or cannot sleep with. Harriet is nervous about the arrival and wonders if it will spell trouble for the church. Given how much God has already forgiven her, I’d say there’s little cause for concern.